Jokes of the day

"The Republicans were saying, 'Pulling out the troops in 120 days would lead to chaos in Iraq.' And I'm thinking, 'Well hell, chaos would be an improvement.'" --David Letterman

"So why did this all-night session happen? Because while Democrats have a majority in the Senate, they don't have the 60-vote supermajority needed to bring bills like this to a vote, thus forcing the Democrats to stay up all night to prevent the Republicans from staging an all-night, vote-blocking filibuster. You can see why we're fighting so hard to export this type of government to Iraq" --Jon Stewart

This week, President Bush announced he's launching a new campaign to solve the conflict between the Israelis and the Palestinians. When asked why, Bush said, 'It's fun to finally be working on a problem that I didn't cause.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Nelson Mandela just announced that he is starting a group called The Elders, that will be made up of retired global leaders who will tackle world conflicts. Mandela said The Elders will be like the Fantastic Four, but with bladder problems" --Conan O'Brien

"A lot of conservatives on radio and TV ... are now claiming Republican Senator David Vitter is not a hypocrite for talking about the sanctity of marriage while cheating on his wife with prostitutes. So exactly what would you have to do -- have sex with the hooker while apologizing to your wife on TV?" --Jay Leno

"Just 24 hours until the new 'Harry Potter' book comes out. The ending has already been leaked. You know, that Scooter Libby has gone too far" --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, John McCain's Straight Talk Express has hit some bumps in the road lately, and many of those bumps turned out to be former passengers. Last week, McCain's strategists Terry Nelson and John Weaver left the campaign. Then, on Monday, the senator lost communications director Brian Jones and deputies Matt Paul and Danny Diaz. I believe the McCain campaign now consists of the senator, his wife, and this guy they picked up hitch-hiking. Which is why, regrettably, I must formally announce that I, too, am leaving the McCain campaign. ... This is a decision made all the more difficult by the fact I never worked for the McCain campaign." --Stephen Colbert

John McCain isn't the only candidate out there who is suffering. Over the weekend, former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore announced he was dropping out of the race for the Republican nomination for president. His departure strikes a severe blow to his party's diversity. Of the nine white Christian men running, Gilmore was the only one with a wife named Roxanne. We no longer have that choice" --Stephen Colbert

"Researchers at Johns Hopkins University are predicting that 75% of Americans will be overweight by the year 2015. But my fellow Americans, with a little team work, I think we can do it by 2010. USA! USA!" --Conan O'Brien

"Many people have criticized the Bush administration's strategy in the global war on terror. Their plan has always been to take the fight to al Qaeda and slowly, but surely destroy them. ... So, Mr. President, if you had to sum up your strategy? [on screen: Bush saying al Qaeda has been weakened]. Well, Tuesday saw the release of the latest war on terror progress report, a new National Intelligence Estimate on the terrorist threat to the homeland. It says al Qaeda has re-established its central organization, gained a safe haven in Pakistan, and rather than being hurt by the war in Iraq, has been instead 'energized' by it and helped Osama bin Laden to recruit and raise funds. ... But most important about the NIE? It proves once and for all why we must stay in Iraq [on screen: Bush saying, 'The same folks that are bombing innocent people in Iraq were the ones who attacked us in America on September 11th']. The same folks? First of all, what exactly do you have to do to people to lose your colloquial status as 'folks'?" --Jon Stewart

"But even if the administration is suggesting that the current resurgence of al Qaeda in Pakistan and Iraq is proof that we were right to go into Iraq, how can they deny it was the removal of our troops from Afghanistan to go to Iraq that caused the chaos allowing al Qaeda to come back in the first place? [on screen: WH Homeland Security Adviser Fran Townsend saying the administration is not able to judge if al Qaeda has increased its numbers in Iraq from pre-war levels]. So that's how they can deny it? They can play retarded. How could we know how much al Qaeda was in Iraq before the invasion when we didn't know s--- about Iraq when we went in?" --Jon Stewart

The comedy Gods are smiling on me tonight. I have been saying for the longest time that President Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass. And by God, today they went in and looked for it. ... At least for once in our lifetimes, we saw the words 'Bush,' 'operation,' and 'success' in the same sentence." --Bill Maher, on Bush's colonoscopy

"Rudy Giuliani ... actually brags on the campaign trail that on 9/11, as the towers are going down, he turns to his super corrupt chief of police and said, 'Thank God George Bush is president.' That alone should disqualify a person from any higher office." --Bill Maher

"Rudy Giuliani is probably going to be the next president of the United States ... because it's all about image. He's got the big anti-terrorist image. On January 20, 2009, you may very well be welcoming to the White House Rudy Giuliani and his lovely wife ... whoever that may be at the time. ... Giuliani's first wife was his cousin. I'm not making that up. I think that's a very cheap way to go after the Southern vote." --Bill Maher

"On the Democratic side, the only two candidates who could not actually run together on a ticket are Hillary [Clinton] and Barack Obama, because that's too much non-male whiteness for America. ... And the Republicans would have a field day if they ran together. First, Bush would call like twelve fake terror alerts. And then the Republicans would run a series of ads about how terrorism is happening now again ... and this is no time to trust the country to a woman and a black teenager" --Bill Maher

"Tomorrow, President Bush will undergo a routine colonoscopy. You know what they found the last time Bush had a colonoscopy? His head." --Jay Leno

"While he is under, they will temporarily transfer power to Dick Cheney. Well, good luck getting that power back. By noon tomorrow, he will have invaded Iran, Syria and Malibu." --Jay Leno

The U.S. Ambassador to Iraq said today he was not aware of any plan B strategy by our government for Iraq. Of course there's no plan B. We don't have a plan A." --Jay Leno

Today is the 38th anniversary of the first man on the moon. ... That's remarkable. And just as remarkable, we're still waiting for the first man on Condoleezza Rice."

"Tomorrow, President Bush is undergoing a colonoscopy, so he's going to temporarily transfer his presidential power to Vice President Dick Cheney. That's right, on the day that millions will be reading the new Harry Potter book, Voldemort will be running the country." --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech about foreign policy yesterday, Rudy Giuliani said that America needs to focus more on Pakistan. Giuliani says he knows more about Pakistan than the other candidates because he spent so much time in New York City cabs" --Conan O'Brien

"The spokesman for the White House, Tony Snow, told the press corps today that Dick Cheney is going to president for two hours tomorrow. ... President Bush will be unconscious because he's having a colonoscopy. I guess the doctors are going into the president's colon because they suspect that's where his head has been all of this time." --Jimmy Kimmel

On Saturday, President Bush underwent a colonoscopy. It was performed by Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. ... White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said that during the procedure, President Bush was 'asleep, but responsive.' So, how is that different from any other day?" --Jay Leno

"In fact, you know what they gave President Bush for sedation? A really long word to pronounce."

"Doctors said that during the colonoscopy, they did find something -- five polyps and two reporters from Fox News." --Jay leno

"President Bush had that colonoscopy over the weekend. ... The doctors found five polyps. And I was thinking, 'Hell, maybe we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.'" --David Letterman

"But everything's fine. The procedure went well. After the operation on Bush's colon, the doctors put his head back up his ass." --David Letterman

"For a couple of hours on Saturday morning ... Dick Cheney was the president. President Bush underwent a colonoscopy and while he was under anesthesia, his powers were officially transferred to the vice president. Did you feel it? Did you know he was the president? It might've not been obvious. There might've not been a thunder clap. You might not have seen, let's say, your neighbor's eyes bleeding. ... But you might've, I don't know, had a vague feeling as you were making your coffee on Saturday morning that you'd failed everyone who'd ever loved you. And you didn't know why you were feeling that. It was, perhaps, because with Dick Cheney as president, he had the power to turn good thoughts bad." --Jon Stewart

"The president had five polyps removed from his lower intestines. And here's the interesting part: they were removed for political reasons. Apparently, these polyps were not loyal Bushies and had to be replaced by more appropriate, die hard Republican polyps. Apparently, the polyps who were removed began asking questions as to why they were removed, but it was too late." --Jon Stewart

"Well, certainly this was a vast improvement over Cheney's first term during President Bush's 2002 colonoscopy. ... As you know, the president only has medical procedures at times the vice president is not having them. And, as it happens, Cheney was being operated on continually for the last five years" --Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee, asked where the Cheney administration ranks

"An ass-scope has still not been invented to plum the depths of the s---hole that we've created in Iraq. But it is time for an update courtesy of our ambassador to the country, Ryan Crocker. Of course, he's over in Baghdad, so he gave his testimony to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee via a 60-inch plasma TV screen. ... [on screen: Crocker using 'fear' as his one word to sum up the situation in Iraq]. ... If I had to sum it up in one cheese, I guess it would stilton. No, no, fontina" --Jon Stewart

"The White House announced that right after President Bush got his colonoscopy on Saturday, he immediately played with his dogs and then rode his bicycle. How old is he? Twelve?" --Jay Leno

"An article in USA Today says the steam pipe explosion in New York the other day ... is just another example of how most cities in America are way behind in upgrading their aging infrastructures. Like right here in Los Angeles, we still have a lot of old road signs written in English." --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, President Bush had his annual physical and he had one of those colonoscopies. Now he knows what it feels like to be invaded. ... He's okay, although he was slightly injured trying to say the word 'colonoscopy.' ... It was long, but a successful procedure. They removed five polyps and ten Al Gore ballots" --David Letterman

I think ordinary people should get to have their own special debates, just like certain other groups of people get their own special ... Olympics." --Daily Show correspondent Jason Jones, on the YouTube debate

"The Bush administration is constantly attacked for being the most secretive in history. ... But let me ask you something: if they are truly the most secretive administration in history, would they have told us over the weekend that the president handed over power to Dick Cheney for two hours while he went and got a camera stuck up his butt? ... The next time some pundit out there wants to call the president secretive, stick a camera up your butt, then tell your viewers about it. Not so easy, is it?" --Stephen Colbert

"This weekend, President Bush was unconscious -- even more so than usual. He was having five polyps removed. Initially, he didn't want them removed. He said that they were doing a heckuva job. ... They removed the polyps successfully, and they also found an impacted Scooter in the President's Libby" --Stephen Colbert

"There's a brand new book out about Dick Cheney. It's a very intimate portrait of Cheney's life. It's called 'Tuesdays with Meanie'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush is also having a bad week. Senate investigations, congressional hearings, a colonoscopy -- I'm telling you, it's just one probe after another" --David Letterman

"Big, big balance of power news out of Washington. The House Judiciary Committee has cited White House chief of staff Josh Bolten and former White House counsel Harriet Miers with contempt of Congress. By the way, when they cite them for contempt of Congress, they're obviously not referring to the existential disgust we all have for Congress. Rather, it's Miers and Bolten's refusal to testify under oath regarding Attorney General Alberto Gonzales' alleged improper firing of nine United States attorneys." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday, because it was a weekday, Alberto Gonzales was called to testify. Now I've said before that Alberto Gonzales' logic is well, mind numbing. But during yesterday's testimony, he became the K2 of obfuscation" --Jon Stewart

"According to a recent study from the Project for Excellence in Journalism, in the first quarter of this year, Fox spent less time covering the Iraq war than either CNN or MSNBC. Look, just because everyone else is reporting that the U.S. is jumping off a bridge in Iraq, that doesn't mean Fox should report it too." --Stephen Colbert

"Bill O'Reilly ... recently exposed trendy airline JetBlue for sponsoring a convention of bloggers from the far left website DailyKos.com. ... Papa Bear is going after JetBlue sponsorship because DailyKos is such a vicious hate site. Just listen to some of the comments he found on it [on screen: O'Reilly reading, 'The pope is a primate. Evangelicals are nutcases. Better luck next time after an assasination plot against Vice President Cheney in Afghanistan.' O'Reilly, on DailyKos: 'It's like the Ku Klux Clan. It's like the Nazi Party']. Exactly! The Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis were both notorious for allowing people to express unpopular views in an open and free forum." --Stephen Colbert

"O'Reilly isn't the only one out there tackling the big issues that aren't Iraq. Luckily, there's also 'Hannity and Colmes.' I love this show. It's like watching Dorian Gray and his picture at the same time. Sean Hannity knows there is no greater threat to America today than Bill Clinton 15 years ago" --Stephen Colbert

"More bad news today for John McCain. John McCain's media team has resigned. McCain says he intends to stay in the race, according to the campaign's new media spokesman ... John McCain" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend, Vice President Dick Cheney had a device implanted that monitors his heart beat. To test the device, doctors had to induce a mild heart attack. You know how they did it? They told him the price of oil dropped $20 a barrel. ... Working on Dick Cheney's heart. Boy, talk about microsurgery." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Iraq's parliament adjourned for the entire month of August. Experts predict there will be a lack of progress in Iraq during August, the likes of which hasn't been seen since June or July" --Conan O'Brien

"The new prime minister of Great Britain, Gordon Brown, met with President Bush this weekend and he praised Bush's leadership. Afterwards, even Bush said, 'That guy's hilarious.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Today, the White House announced they want to sell Saudi Arabia $20 billion worth of weapons. Saudi Arabia is going to pay for the weapons by giving us five or six gallons of gas."  --Conan O'Brien

Happy Birthday to the governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old today. And to celebrate, natives on Skull Island tossed him a blonde. ... Arnold, like everybody, is getting old. In fact, they are making a new documentary about his life. It's entitled 'Pumping Fiber'" --David Letterman

"For months now, Democrats have talked tough, vowing they would hold the Bush administration accountable for their egregious mishandling of what many in the media are calling 'the world.' Well, numerous feckless Senate hearings, one useless all-night filibuster and three non-binding resolutions later, the Democrats finally decided it's go time [on screen: Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT) saying he will subpoena Karl Rove]. Karl Rove, the administration's turd-blossom ... has been called to account, and what happened then? Well, in DC, they say Pat Leahy's balls grew three sizes that day." --Jon Stewart

"The Democrats are going to feel really stupid though for doing that. You know why? Because compelling Mr. Rove to testify under an oath is completely unnecessary [on screen: WH spokesperson Tony Snow saying, 'We have actually made Karl Rove available to that committee under conditions where he's going to tell the truth]. Under conditions where he's going to tell the truth? The room must be pitch black ... and festooned with lilies and beeswax candles. It must be a full moon, but not too full. His inquisitors must stand before him naked, holding a bowl of craisens, which are like raisins but with cranberries. And then, and only then, can the truth be heard" --Jon Stewart

"A scary incident yesterday for the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, John Roberts. Luckily, he's okay. ... He collapsed to the ground outside his vacation home in Maine. Turns out he had a seizure. At first people thought he had just fallen over from leaning too far to the right. ... For the young people, do you know who John Roberts is? He is our most important judge ... right after Simon Cowell." --Jay Leno

"Happy Birthday to our governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger. 60 years old. You can tell he's getting up there. Remember when he used to say things like, 'I'll be back'? Now he says, 'Ow, my back.'" --Jay Leno

"Iraq's new Congress has adjourned for the summer and they say they will be back in September. See, that's when you know the war is going badly -- when the Iraqis pull out. ... Iran's president ... is very upset about the U.S. arms deals with the Saudis, 'cause he says it will destabilize the region. God, just when things were going so well." --Jay Leno

"A new survey says that 58% of the people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Of course, President Bush is not in that group. You know ... of people who follow the news. ... This whole administration is turning into a bad version of 'Wizard of Oz.' Cheney needs a heart. Gonzales needs some courage. Bush needs a brain." --Jay Leno

"Are you talking about how sexy Hillary Clinton looks? ... Everybody's talking about it. She's dressing so much sexier. Folks down in Washington in the Capitol building say they haven't seen this much cleavage in the Senate since Ted Kennedy" --David Letterman

"Just days after having a heart procedure, Vice President Dick Cheney appeared this evening on 'Larry King Live.' Doctors say he looked old, pale and sickly. And so did Cheney." --Conan O'Brien

"Shocking news from ... Alaska. We're all familiar with our good friend in the Senate, the lovably cantankerous Ted Stevens. ... It turns out the FBI and the IRS want to even get more familiar with Ted Stevens. Yesterday, the FBI and the IRS raided the noted technology guru's home. The raid ... was part of an investigation into claims Stevens has accepted gifts from an oil company in exchange for getting it lucrative state contracts. ... Investigators seemed especially interested in Steven's wine collection, taking photos of both the cases of wine and individual bottles, including his private stock of Chateau de $1,000 in cash. Which, as you know, goes great with anything ... that costs $1,000." --Jon Stewart

"Right now, my financial adviser tells me there is no 'hotter' place to buy than the Arctic Circle. The ice up there is melting thanks to, I believe, Al Gore. And it is revealing all sorts of resources like fish, diamonds, oil and gas, and most importantly, timesaving sea lanes that could cut sailing time from Germany to Alaska by 60% ... offering a convenient escape route for Alaska Senator Ted Stevens." --Stephen Colbert

"I'd like to congratulate Larry King. You know, a lot of these younger guys on CNN get a lot of credit for going to dangerous places. They put themselves in the line of fire to get a story. Larry King, as you know, is 135 years old. You'd think that an old person, especially at that age, would be scared to sit down with Vice President Dick Cheney. I mean, this is a guy who has a record of shooting old men in the face. But Larry did not fear. He sat right down without a flap jacket, without a pane of bullet proof glass between them." --Jimmy Kimmel

"According to a new survey, 58% of people who follow the news think Attorney General Alberto Gonzales should resign. Here's the frightening statistic: 72% of Americans who do not follow the news think Alberto Gonzales is the guy who is married to Kelly Ripa." --Jay Leno

"The White House is now demanding Congress move quickly on a new treaty to allow more Arctic oil drilling, 'cause they say the melting polar ice caps means more oil is easily available. See, this combines the two things the administration loves -- global warming and drilling for oil." --Jay Leno

"Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld were both on television last night answering questions. A very unusual occurrence. Let me see if I can put it in some kind of perspective for you. To see a giant squid, that's unusual. Certainly a Bigfoot sighting, very rare. But Rumsfeld and Cheney answering questions on the same day on television? It would be like a giant squid having sex with Bigfoot as the ghost of Jim Morrison claps giddily." --Jon Stewart

"Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said today that he would not use nuclear weapons under any circumstances. I didn't realize his battle with Hillary had escalated to this level. I just thought there was a little friction.' --Jay Leno

"Madame Tussauds' new wax museum in Washington D.C. is going to feature a "scandal room," featuring wax likenesses of elected officials involved in sex, alcohol, or ethics scandals. Why would you go there, when you can just walk five blocks to the Capitol building and see the real thing?" --Jay Leno

"Latest on the campaign: It was reported that things are going so badly for Sen John McCain, McCain has to carry his own luggage. Meanwhile, things are going so badly for Dennis Kucinich's campaign, he has to carry Barack Obama's luggage." --Conan O'Brien

"Here's a remarkable story of recovery. ... Seems a brain-injured man who had been in a coma for the last six years is now awake -- eating and speaking with his family. In fact, you know what you call a man who has been in a coma for the last six years? Mr. President." --Jay Leno

"The Statue of Liberty's crown may reopen. It's been really odd. Most of her body has been closed to the public. No, wait. That's Condoleezza Rice" --David Letterman

"According to store owners in Iraq, Iraqi consumers are now developing a taste for American products like Pringles, Fruit Loops and Kraft macaroni and cheese. In a related story, Iraqis are also developing huge asses" --Conan O'Brien

"Congratulations to Matt Damon. His movie, 'The Bourne Ultimatum,' had the biggest movie opening ever for the month of August. It made $70 million. Today, Senator John McCain asked Matt Damon to be his running mate." --Jay Leno

"If you haven't seen the movie, it's about a guy who works for the government who can't remember his past. I think the original title was 'The Alberto Gonzales Story.'" --Jay Leno

"Yesterday at Camp David, President Bush signed a bill into law that expands his wiretapping powers. President Bush said he knew the bill would pass because he had bugs planted in both houses of Congress." --Jay Leno

"Today in Washington, President Bush met with the president of Afghanistan, who was wearing that hat and the robe. ... President Bush was a little confused. He thought he was meeting the professor from the Hogwarts school." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts was released from the hospital after he suffered a seizure. It's the second time he's had a seizure. He's doing fine. But, as a precaution, when he returns to the Supreme Court, he will now have a robe that opens in the back." --Jay Leno

"Anybody watch the Republican candidates debate this weekend? ... The last time I saw that many white guys arguing was the last Republican debate" --Jay Leno

"The presidential race heating up slowly over the last nine years. ... Potential Republican candidate -- he hasn't declared yet, but a lot of people think he's going to run -- Fred Thompson is now busy defending his much younger wife. In a recent interview, Senator Fred Thompson said that all criticism of his wife should be directed at him. As a result, conservative groups told Thompson he's been showing too much cleavage." --Conan O'Brien

"Starting today, the New York Times reduced the size of their newspaper. They cut the paper's width by an inch and a half. The move was announced with the headline 'Big Changes At New York Tim.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Archaeologists in Hungary say they have discovered a forest of trees that's 8 million years old. The archaeologists say that they haven't seen wood that old since the last time Larry King watched porn." --Conan O'Brien

"Although it's warm here, it is really hot back East. ... In fact, in Washington, DC, it is so hot that President Bush wasn't just reading other people's mail, he was actually fanning himself with it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush signed a law on Sunday that broadly expands the government's authority to eavesdrop on our telephone calls and e-mails without a warrant. So, our phone calls are being watched. Our e-mails are being watched. The only thing not being watched? NBC." --Jay Leno

"A new study found that angry men get ahead in the world. Angry men tend to beat their rivals for power. Finally some good news for John McCain." --Jay Leno

"Interesting situation out of Florida. As you may recall, last month, a gentleman named Bob Allen was arrested for offering an undercover policeman $20 to allow him to perform oral sex on said officer in a public restroom. Why is this worth a mention? Well, it turns out Mr. Allen is a Republican state Florida lawmaker who authored a bill that outlawed lewd and lascivious acts in public. And he's also the state co-chair of John McCain's campaign. Ugh yeah, it's not going well --Jon Stewart

"Across the aisle, on Sunday, all nine Republican candidates skipped church to take part in a forum on ABC's 'This Week.' The highlight? When George Stephanopoulos asked each contender this question [on screen: Stephanopoulos asking, 'What is a defining mistake of your life and why?'] ... At least one candidate managed to be both honest and evasive [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, 'To have a description of my mistakes in 30 seconds?' and then shaking his head no]. I mean, here's a hint. It starts with annulling my first marriage to my second cousin and it ends with my kids from my second marriage supporting Barack Obama because they hate my third wife." --Jon Stewart

"Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was asked to explain why none of his five sons are in the military and he said that his sons demonstrate their patriotism by going on the road and campaigning for him. Now there's a tough choice: Iraq, or Iowa?? "Fallujah or Cedar Rapids? Honey, what do you think?" --Jay Leno

"It was this week in 1974 that Richard Nixon resigned the presidency after getting caught lying and violating the Constitution. Remember when that kind of thing used to get you kicked out of office?" --Jay Leno

"In a recent interview, President Bush's father said he gets upset when people tell him his son is doing a bad job. Bush's dad went on to say, 'You'd think after 60 years I'd be used to it.'" --Jay Leno

The brand new president of the Young Republican National Federation, 33-year-old Glenn Murphy, has resigned after one month in office, after police say he is being investigated for performing an unwanted sex act on a sleeping man. Murphy defended himself by saying the act was consensual and he may have had just too much to drink at the time. Well, what guy hasn't done that after a couple of beers? ... See, there you go. The Democrats may talk a good game at the gay rights forum last night, but the Republicans are actually out there doing gay things." --Jay Leno

"President Bush had his annual physical. And next week, Vice President Dick Cheney will have his annual autopsy. ... The White House revealed that last year President Bush was treated for lyme disease. This disease is spread by ticks that burrow under your skin. You don't even know they're there. You know, kinda like a government wiretap." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has left for vacation and his poll numbers are going up. So, basically, people approve of the job he's doing more when he's not doing the job." --Jay Leno

"At the top of last night's show, we mentioned presidential candidate Mitt Romney's response when he was asked why none of his five sons had enlisted in the military [on screen: Romney saying, 'My sons are all adults and they've made decisions about their careers, and they've chosen not to serve in the military']. You know what? Fair answer. I respect that. As long as you don't then try to equate with what they're actually doing now with military service, I think you're in the clear [on screen: Romney saying, 'One of the ways my sons are showing support for our nation is helping me to get elected because they think I'd be a great president.']. Oh, I get it. So yeah, they're not actually in the military, but they're about as close as you can get to it in supporting our nation. ... Who are these men, this brand of brothers who, against all odds, are making a 99-county winnebago tour of Iowa without caffeine? ... By the way, the name of the campaign bus? 'The Five Brothers Bus.' 'Five Brothers' -- great campaign hook, and an even better spaghetti sauce. Mmmm. That's a' Mormon" --Jon Stewart

Daily Show correspondent Aasif Mandvi, asked if Mitt Romney's sons will get to come home from serving their country soon: "The good news is if their father keeps saying stupid s--- like this, then yes, yes they will"

"When it comes to 2008 presidential candidates, I am strictly impartial. It does not matter if I'm covering an American hero like Fred Thompson or a money-grubbing, opportunistic Ken doll like John Edwards. It's not easy giving them all fair treatment, especially when the Democrats keep getting together and saying things. Already they have put on their dog and donkey show in New Hampshire, South Carolina and Chicago. That is an awful lot of public parks for Mike Gravel to be sleeping in. But there is something important missing from these debates, folks, and Rudy Giuliani knows what is is [on screen: Giuliani repeatedly saying Dems have never mentioned the words 'Islamic terrorism' in their debates]. Rudy has used the words 'Islamic terrorism' so many times, the phrase 'September 11th' is starting to get jealous." --Stephen Colbert

"We all know Karl Rove resigned yesterday. Big blow to the White House. Rumsfeld's gone, Wolfowitz, Harriet Miers, Dan Bartlett -- all gone. Cheney -- never much help during the summer. That's his egg-laying season." --Jon Stewart

"The Iowa straw poll, a quadrennial ritual for Republican candidates, was held Saturday in Ames, Iowa. And the big winner of this unofficial, preseason survey of the Iowa electorate? Former Massachusetts Governor/part-time J.C. Penny catalogue underwear model Mitt Romney with over 30% of the vote." --Jon Stewart

"In a big surprise, the second place finisher was Baptist minister and former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee with 18% of the vote, despite spending less than a tenth of what Romney had. Huckabee himself seemed at a loss to explain his success [on screen: Huckabee comparing his Ames showing to 'feeding the 5,000 with two fish and five loaves']. Apt metaphor, governor. But I really have to say, don't you think Jesus would have won?" --Jon Stewart

"For those of you who still care, what exactly is the Iowa straw poll? [on screen: a political science prof. explaining that GOP candidates tend to pay the $35 ticket fee for voters in hopes they will come out and support them]. So, it's an election with no Democrats, in one of the whitest states in the union, where rich candidates pay $35 for your vote. Or, as the Republicans call it, 'Our vision for the future.'" --Jon Stewart

"Let's begin tonight with news from the Bush family retreat in Kennebunkport, Maine. Or, as the president calls it, Pillow Fort One. ... Where, over the weekend, newly-minted French President Nicolas Sarkozy was invited to join the president and first lady. ... Fortunately, the two leaders seemed to hit it off quite well. All the president had to do was try not to live down to the worst stereotypes of Americans [on screen: Bush saying, 'We're going to give him a hamburger and hot dog, his choice']. Actually, it could have been worse. The president actually wanted lunchables" --Jon Stewart

Daily Show correspondent Samantha Bee, on Bush being on the verge of breaking Ronald Reagan's record number of vacation days: "People said that Reagan's 436 would stand forever, but right now ... this president stands on 423, meaning his record should fall less than two weeks from today. And they said it shouldn't be done. .. And keep in mind, Reagan had a ranch in beautiful Santa Barbara. Bush has spent his time chasing the record in Crawford, Texas, which, by all objective accounts, is a genuine scorched s---thole. ... And don't forget Bush is a war president. The '80s? If Bush had been president then, he might not have even come in at all. ... When the waters from Katrina began to rise, it would have been easy to rush back to Washington. This president stuck it out for two more vacation days. What do you call that? ... Dedication. ... Obviously, I wouldn't say 'actively' pursuing, but he's aware of it and looking forward to breaking the record and getting that congratulatory call from himself."

"You cannot swing a cat these days without hitting a hate group. There's your Nazis, your Neo-Nazis. You've also got your Basque separatists, your Islamofascists ... and worst of all, your Democrat open forum websites led by the goose-stepping, blog-stapo at DailyKos.com.. This Fourth Reich was rooted out by a man who knows his fatherlands, Papa Bear Bill O'Reilly [on screen: FNC's O'Reilly comparing DailyKos to the Ku Klux Klan and the Nazis]. There is one difference. Nazis build bunkers. Daily Kos bloggers build pillow forts. Over the weekend, the head of Ku Kos Klan, grand dragon Markos Moulitsas, appeared on 'Meet the Press.' You know who else has been on 'Meet the Press'? Fidel Castro and Judas. I haven't confirmed that, but the show's been on forever." --Stephen Colbert

Man, do we have a show for you tonight. Senator John McCain will be in the studio tonight making his 250th appearance. One more and he gets to host, and I get to go to the Senate." --Jon Stewart

"One of the most important bellwethers for the Republican presidential campaign took place this weekend, the Iowa straw poll. Anyone who was there will tell you it is a hugely significant, non-binding event ... that takes place at a country fair immediately following the butter sculpting. And guess who won this year? ME! Thats right. Me, and the Colbert bump. Of course, the numerical winner was Mitt Romney [on screen: A puppet from Sesame Street.] I believe the big story was zillion-to-one shot, presidential not-too-hopeful, Mike Huckabee. ... Now how did he make that kind of impact? Simple, Governor Huckabee has twice appeared on the 'Report,' and one of those times I even listened to what he said. ... First tier! When I heard that, my first thought was 'what have I done?' ... Even Dennis Kucinich was asking, 'who the hell is Mike Huckabee?' Huckabee is pro-gun, he doesn't believe in evolution, and he's pro-weight loss, ... though, I still don't understand why he didn't take my suggestion to make his campaign slogan 'No Fatties.' But other than that folks, he's an enigma wrapped in a riddle shrouded in a mystery on an elliptical machine" --Stephen Colbert

"One of the president's daughters, the lovely Jenna Bush, is getting married. Now they're thinking, if they can just marry off Condoleezza Rice. Yea, it looks pretty good that Jenna's getting married, but first the guy has to be confirmed by Congress. ... It's going to be an expensive wedding. I guess it's no surprise, the $3 billion contract went to Halliburton." --David Letterman

From David Letterman's Top 10 Good Things About Marrying into the Bush Family: # 1: "Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family"

"Presidential advisor Karl Rove has resigned. Were you aware about that -- he's resigned. He says he wants to spend more time leaking information about his family." --David Letterman

"You folks see the Democratic presidential debates over the weekend? Oh man, this debate, woah, it was very intense. The loser, the loser of the debate was taken out back and drown by Michael Vick." --David Letterman

"In just three weeks, General David Petraeus is scheduled to deliver his long awaited report on the Iraq surge. Will he say it's a success, thus vindicating the White House? Or will he say it's a failure, which somehow also will vindicate the White House? --Jon Stewart

"We know Washington, DC, was very shaken last week when news that Karl Rove, the man whose mouthful advisory teets have fed so many Beltway insiders these past six and a half years, was capping the spigot and moving on. But before leaving for good -- and I use the term literally -- last week, Rove went on his farewell tour to defend himself and his president [on screen: Rove saying that Bush's critics are 'elite, effete snobs']. Yeah! Who are these effete, elite snobs who criticize Bush, these snobs with their Ivy League degrees, entertaining French guests at their family estates on the New England coast [on screen: a photo of Bush and French President Nicolas Sarkozy in Kennebunkport]... oh, right." --Jon Stewart

"But that was just the start. Chris Wallace got Karl Rove's Sunday morning talk show tour going [on screen: FNC's Wallace saying, 'Let's take a look at some of Karl Rove's greatest hits']. Ohh, I just bought that on K-Tel! 'Karl Rove's Greatest Hits,' including 'John McCain's Black Baby,' 'Max Cleland: The One-Limbed Pussy,' 'The Queers Are Coming,' and, of course, 'Schiavo-A-Go-Go.' No need to call now, your phones have already been tapped." --Jon Stewart

"But let's get through some other hits. Do decisive politics [on screen: Rove saying, 'What I try to do is serve a president whose attitude was let's find ways to bring the country together']. And that would be who? Oh, unless, oh my God, Karl Rove's been moonlighting for the president of Match.com" --Jon Stewart

"Indiana Congressman Mike Pence hit the nail on the head. If there's one thing that everyone I've talked to can agree on, it's that Iraq is exactly like an Indiana market in the summertime. This is the sort of place where people don't even lock their doors at night. Heck, most people don't even have doors" --Daily Show correspondent Rob Riggle

"What will the Republican presidential campaign look like without Karl Rove? Probably the same as it would have with him. Warnings about Mexicans, warnings about Arabs, and warnings about gays. They're trying to come over the border, they're trying to come over the oceans, they're trying to come over your back." --Bill Maher

"I guess it's no wonder that a poll out this summer put 'None of the Above' over all of the other Republican candidates. And if 'None of the Above' does get the Republican nomination, you know two things will happen: a) the Democrats will find a way to lose to him, and b) Bush will try to call and congratulate him." --Bill Maher

"President Bush made a big speech about Iraq this week. He said the surge is working, a free Iraq is within our reach, and if we don't beat them there, they'll follow us home. That's the great thing about George Bush. I can take three months off and when I come back, he's still making the same stupid speech." --Bill Maher

"This guy is so hard up for good news, he called a press conference this morning to announce that Britney's hair is growing back." --Bill Maher

"I hate to be one of the naysayers who says the surge isn't working, but I'm sorry, it was in the paper today that the number of Iraqis who are fleeing their homes has, in a word, 'surged.' In fact, there are so many abandoned houses in Baghdad, it looks like America's real estate market." --Bill Maher

"They also came up with what they call the National Intelligence Estimate for Iraq. ... They said the Iraqi political leaders remain unable to govern effectively. President Bush said that was the most ridiculous thing he has ever heard. Judging leaders by their effectiveness?" --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton came out this week and said what we all know, which is ... if there was another terrorist attack, it would only help the Republicans maintain the White House. It would also give them a new slogan: 'O for 2.'" --Bill Maher

"Ted Nugent was giving a concert and he held up a machine gun and made veiled threats about Hillary and Barack Obama. I find this shocking. Ted Nugent still has concerts?" --Bill Maher

"As you know, the administration's conduct concerning prosecuting the war on terror has been questioned by some. ... But as the president himself explains, there is a perfectly good reason why we don't understand what he's doing [on screen: Bush, in multiple interviews, saying Iraq is 'a totally different kind of war']. Obviously, we invaded Iraq initially because this war is historically unprecedented. Yesterday, the president explained to us why we must stay in Iraq -- historical precedent. Yes, that was the message yesterday as Bush addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars, an organization whose numbers he has personally done so much to boost. [on screen: Bush citing the Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor to make the case for the Iraq war]. And that is why, in 1941, America invaded China. Yes, with the pivotal Petraeus surge report just weeks away, Bush began his surge to gain support for the Iraq war the only way left by talking up a bunch of other wars." --Jon Stewart

"In what is perhaps the strangest turn in the president's effort to rally support, he agreed that Iraq is just like Vietnam, but in a good way. And that our only mistake was not starting that war, but ending it [on screen: Bush saying, 'Here at home, some can argue our withdrawal from Vietnam carried no price for American credibility. But the terrorists see it differently']. Oh my God, we're going back into Vietnam" --Jon Stewart

"Earlier today, after months of scandals and political pressure, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced he's going to resign. Gonzales said, 'There comes a time when a man should resign, and that time for me was last January.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Alberto Gonzales is stepping down, but he can't recall why." --David Letterman

"Russian leader Vladimir Putin -- have you seen this guy? He gets his picture taken a lot with his shirt off. He was named 'Sexiest Commie Alive' nearly edging out Hugo Chavez and Kim Jong-Il. But people are stunned the Russian president appearing in public without a shirt. And I was thinking, 'Well heck, our president often appears in public without a brain'" --David Letterman

"The good news is that President Bush's daughter, Jenna Bush, is engaged. The bad news is she is marrying Rudolph Giuliani. Dick Cheney is hoping for a shotgun wedding. Jenna announced her engagement two weeks ago, although President Bush knew about it over a month ago from some wiretaps. If you'd like to get the young couple something for the wedding, they are registered at Mobil, Exxon and Shell." -Jay Leno

"At a political forum here in Hollywood last week, Hillary Clinton said she does not support gay marriage. In fact, she said she's not too crazy about straight marriage anymore either." -Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson said he's still testing the waters in his bid for the presidency. He's been testing the water for what, six month now? In fact, those aren't wrinkles on his face. He's starting to prune up" --Jay Leno

"Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, a married, very anti-gay conservative Republican, was arrested by a plainclothes police officer for lewd conduct in a Minneapolis airport men's room. Today the senator's office said it was all a big misunderstanding. Apparently what happened was when the senator went in to use the restroom, he accidentally grabbed the wrong penis." --Jay Leno

"The undercover police officer said the senator tried to reach under the stall to touch him, but the senator said, no, he wasn't trying to touch him, he was only trying to pick up a piece of paper off the floor. Who picks up paper off the floor in the men's room? I don't even like when my shoe laces touch the floor in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"Sen. Craig is married. Apparently he told his wife, don't worry about having dinner ready to me. I'm going to wolf down a hot dog at the airport." --Jay Leno

"The Democrats may have control of the House, but the Republicans have control of the bathrooms." --Jay Leno

"Sen. Craig gave a press conference today where he said, I'm not gay, I've never been way. Then he apologized to his wife, Liza Minnelli." --Jay Leno

"Sen. Craig said he made a mistake by pleading guilty. And I was thinking, maybe that was your second mistake." --David Letterman

"The way I look at it, anyone who spends more than two minutes in an airport men's room is guilty of something." --David Letterman

"The police report says he tapped his foot, which means 'I want gay sex.' And, also means I'll never wear my iPod to the bathroom again." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Needless to say, Senator Craig is also anti-gay marriage and gays in the military, which I think, shows he doesn't let his personal needs interfere with his work." --Jimmy Kimmel, on Larry Craig's bathroom incident

"How about that poor Senator Craig from Idaho? So he gets arrested in a men's room there at the airport in Minneapolis. And here's the deal now. He's now in Stage One of a political sex scandal: defiance. Stage Two: stepping down to spend more time with his family. Stage Three: 'I'm gay and I'm proud!'" --David Letterman

"Don't kid yourself, this Craig is in a tough spot. When you're up for re-election, you don't want to be known as 'The Restroom Don Juan.'" --David Letterman

"The guy was arrested for lewd behavior in the men's room, and I'm thinking, 'Well, hell. I'm lucky if I can get a hand dryer to blow'" --David Letterman

"Senator Larry Craig declared he won't quit and he's not gay. And then Craig said 'I'm sorry. I meant to say I won't quit being gay.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Now there's more trouble for Senator Craig. First he's accused of soliciting gay sex at an airport. Now's he accused of soliciting gay sex at a train station. Craig denied the charges and said if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for a big night at the bus terminal." --Conan O'Brien

"Idaho Senator Larry Craig is now being called the hole from Idaho." --Jay Leno

"A lot of people are calling Senator Craig a hypocrite because he was a very vocal opponent of same-sex marriages. But to be fair, he has never come out publicly against anonymous gay bathroom sex." --Jay Leno

"This whole thing has to be very frustrating for the Republican Party. All these gay sex scandals and they still can't get any support from Hollywood." --Jay Leno

"Because of the scandal he had to resign his position on the Mitt Romney campaign. So not much chance of getting his mitts on Romney now." --Jay Leno

"Today President Bush was in New Orleans for the two-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. When he arrived in New Orleans he told the mayor 'I got here as quick as I could'" --Jay Leno

"Several prominent Republicans are calling on Sen. Larry Craig to resign. And a couple are asking for his phone number." --David Letterman

"Sen. Larry Craig, who pled guilty to soliciting sex at an airport, is now being accused of having oral sex at a train station. When asked about it, Craig said, 'What can I say? I love public transportation.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Gay groups are calling Craig a hypocrite because Craig is a staunch opponent of gay marriage. Craig denied he's a hypocrite, saying, 'Hey, I wasn't trying to marry the cop in the bathroom.'" --Conan O'Brien

"See, I don't think his family was surprised by these revelations. In fact, today his wife said she first became suspicious because every time he had to use the bathroom, he would fly to Minneapolis." -Jay Leno

"What is it with all these gay Republican sex scandals? Remember the old days when a politician would just put his hand in your pockets to get your money." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, Fred Thompson who is a former star of Law & Order, confirmed with his supporters that he is running for president. Afterwards, Thompson promised to solve the crisis in Iraq by the end of the episode." --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday in Washington, a couple of pranksters covered Karl Rove's car in bumper stickers that read, "I Love Obama." Karl Rove laughed about it then had the pranksters murdered." --Conan O'Brien

"A couple of big anniversaries this week. It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina, and one year since FEMA found out about it." --Jay Leno

"In the New York Sunday Times, they mixed up a picture of Iraq with a picture of New Orleans. This even confused the White House. They saw the picture and accidentally sent money to New Orleans." --Jay Leno

"The best Republican sex scandal continues to unfold today, as Senator Larry Craig plead guilty to a misdemeanor after he got caught in a police sting operation in the men's room of a Minneapolis airport. The terror alert level in our nation's airport bathrooms has been raised to lavender. Some members of the GOP are demanding the senator give up his seat, which when you think about it, that's how he got in trouble in the first place!" --Jimmy Kimmel

"It's Labor Day weekend! By the way, a word of warning about the weekend. If Senator Larry Craig invites you to a tailgate party, say no." --Bill Maher

"The cop says he was giving off gay signals in the men's room. Like when he threw a table cloth over the baby changing station and lit candles and opened a bottle of merlot." --Bill Maher

"All right, enough about Larry Craig. In heterosexual news, the Government Accountability Office says that things are not improving in Iraq, despite what the administration says. They say Iraq has failed to meet 15 of the 18 benchmarks that they said they had to meet. To give you an idea of how pathetic it's going over there, Lindsay Lohan is doing better in rehab. Of course I'm kidding about that now. No, the rumor about her now is that she was caught having doing drugs and having sex in a toilet with a male patient. I didn't even know she was Republican." --Bill Maher

"Alberto Gonzales resigned this week. Our Attorney Generalisimo. President Bush said he was looking for a replacement, someone equally versed in the law. In fact, he's out front of Home Depot right now picking up some guys" --Bill Maher

"President Bush was going to give the White House staff the day off for Labor Day, but then he realized everyone resigned, no one works there anymore. In fact, today was Karl Rove's last day at the White House. Yeah, he wanted to wait until everything was just perfect before he left. You know, you don't want to leave the country in a mess." --Jay Leno

"Idaho Senator Larry Craig getting a lot of criticism from his fellow members of the GOP, which of course, as you know stands for Gay Old Party." --Jay Leno

"Craig announced yesterday he would voluntarily give up his seat. Isn't that how he got in trouble in the first place?" --Jay Leno

"He is claiming entrapment. He said the sign on the door said men, so he went in to get some, and then the cops grabbed him." --Jay Leno

"Men, let this be a lesson to you, when you're at the airport, never let strangers handle your bags." --Jay Leno

"There were signs that Senator Craig was into this kind of thing, like today his wife said during sex instead of yelling out her name he'd yell 'complete stranger in the stall next to me!'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush's daughter Jenna Bush is engaged to be married, but no date has been set for the wedding. He's against any kind of timetable." --Jay Leno

"President Bush loves the Labor Day weekend. It gives him a chance to unwind, and, gosh, I'm thinking 'when does this guy wind?'" --David Letterman

"We've got the latest on the big Washington sex scandal. I don't know if you've heard the latest, but Republican Senator Larry Craig was planning to resign today, according to several 'well placed sources' in Washington. And by well placed sources I mean bathroom attendants." --Conan O'Brien

"Over the weekend Senator Larry Craig from Iowa resigned from the Senate. He said he'd like to spend more time not being gay." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend, of course, disgraced Idaho Senator Larry Craig resigned after Republicans refused to defend him. Yeah, Republicans were not happy with him. Yeah, the Republicans' last words were 'don't let the men's room door hit your ass on the way out'"--Conan O'Brien

"Idaho Senator Larry Craig announced his resignation on Saturday. On Saturday he thanked those who continued to support him and provided us with our unintentional joke of the day [on screen, Sen. Craig saying: 'To have the Governor standing behind me, as he always has.']" --Jimmy Kimmel

"But now, today, despite the fact that he announced his resignation on Saturday, his spokesman now says he may not resign, he may want to stay in office. He's guilty, he's not guilty; he's resigning, he's not resigning; he's gay, he's straight; can this guy make up his mind already? Even though he's already pled guilty to the charges, he's hiring lawyers now to look into reversing his plea from from guilty to not guilty. And they say he's not stopping himself there, he's also suing himself for defamation of character" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Big weekend for President Bush, you all heard about this. Over the weekend President Bush left the White House in an unmarked car and took a top secret trip to Iraq. In fact, the trip was so secret, President Bush still doesn't know where he was. It was hot and there were foreign guys. Mexico, that's his number one guess." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that President Bush, yesterday made a surprise visit to Iraq. I don't know whether it was jet lag or if he was just confused, but he served the troops Thanksgiving dinner. President Bush was in Iraq for 8 hours. Nice to see he has an escape strategy" --David Letterman

"Over the weekend President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq. Any time Bush shows up in a warzone it's pretty much a surprise I guess. But I think President Bush was a little confused. When he got off the plane in that 115-degree heat and saw those guys walking around with those big guns, he said what are you doing in LA? I thought we were going Iraq." --Jay Leno

"Well, President Bush is upset, very upset that the Iraqi parliament has failed any major legislation since taking office. I guess, of course, on the other hand, it made him feel right at home." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced he plans to help out homeowners in this mortgage-lending crisis thing that's going on. He said millions of people could lose their house, and you know, he knows what he's talking about. Last November he lost a House and the Senate." --Jay Leno

"What do you think of this? An elementary school in Colorado has banned the game of tag. You think that's good? Hey forget banning tag in school. How about banning tag from the men's room at the Minneapolis airport?" --Jay Leno

"Over the weekend Senator Larry Craig resigned from the Senate. Thankfully he was able to do it quietly, before the whole thing turned into some kind of media circus. Thank God for that, how embarrassing if things had gotten out." --Jay Leno

"Senator Craig still insisting he is not gay. And today to prove it he went back to the Minneapolis airport and tried to solicit sex in the women's bathroom." --Jay Leno

"He's having second thoughts about resigning, and I was thinking, well, he should have had second thoughts about tapping his foot in the men's room. No, he's changed his mind and he's thinking he's going to stay in the Senate, and that occurred to him after he saw the new batch of fall male pages." --David Letterman

"How about that President Bush, he makes that surprise trip to Iraq. Was pretty impressive don't you think? He spent a few quick hours visiting with the troops, and then he left. You know, it was just like his days in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"Senator Larry Craig announced he's now rethinking his decision to resign from the Senate. He resigned from the Senate and now he's rethinking his decision to resign from Senate. Craig says he's going talk the decision over with his wife, and the guy in stall number 3." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush is very busy. Tomorrow President Bush is scheduled to meet with Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Bush says he plans to deliver a message of 'concern and encouragement,' or as Bush calls it, 'concouragement'" --Conan O'Brien

"A very scary moment for four U.S. Senators and Congressmen. I guess Senator Mel Martinez, Richard Shelby, James Inhofe and Congressman Bud Cramer were visiting the troops when their C-130 cargo plane had to take evasive action to avoid gunfire, and that's while taking off from Newark." --Jay Leno

"Senator Fred Thompson is on the show tonight, and he says he has something major to announce. In America that can only be one of three things. So he's either pregnant, gay, or running for president." --Jay Leno

"Well you know Newsweek has a big cover story on Fred Thompson's presidential campaign. You learn a lot about him. For example, he used to work at NBC, so apparently he knows how to deal with disasters." --Jay Leno

"In a new biography coming out soon about President George W. Bush, when asked what his plans where after he leaves office, President Bush said he'd like to make some money giving speeches. He wants to give speeches. Well, you can't say the man doesn't know where his strengths are." --Jay Leno

"Did you know, when President Bush is in Australia, his approval rating goes down the drain counter-clockwise?" --Jay Leno

"Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, 'not if we get there first.'" --Jay Leno

"After announcing last week that he was going to resign from the Senate, Idaho Senator Larry Craig, you know, the restroom enthusiast, says he may change his mind and not resign. First he's going to resign, now he's not going. Why can't the guy just be straight with us?" --Jay Leno

"Actually, no one has even seen Senator Craig for like a week now. Nobody even knows where he is. They think he may have gone on a fishing trip for a couple of days with an old cowboy buddy to some mountain in Wyoming." --Jay Leno

"Larry Craig has now hired Michael Vick's attorney, Bill Martin, to defend him. The two cases are quite similar. They both involve being on all fours, and barking like a dog." --Jay Leno

"I learned today that President Bush is a sensitive man. There's a new biography of the president out in which he says 'I do tears,' which means he cries. And he says he cries a lot, and I think it's kind of nice hearing that the president cries. It would be even better to hear that he reads." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Fred Thompson is all over the news. He'll challenge Mitt Romney, John McCain and Rudy Giuliani for the Republican nomination. Apparently he's very popular, but, here's why Fred Thompson is not going to be our president: very simple, that's his wife. [on screen: A picture of Fred Thompson with wife Jeri.] America is not going to pick a first lady that looks like she runs a tanning salon. Have we ever had a president with a hot wife? Barbara Bush, maybe, but besides that no." --Jimmy Kimmel

"On the Democratic side of things, Oprah Winfrey is throwing a huge fundraiser for Barack Obama on Saturday on the grounds of the Promise Land, that's her huge estate on Montecito, California. It's projected to raise $3 million, $2 million of which is expected to come from the 'Dunk Steadman' booth." --Jimmy Kimme

"I heard something interesting today. After he leaves office, George W. Bush is going to start a think tank. That's right, it's like Michael Vick opening an animal shelter. Yeah, the George Bush think tank: it only has a shallow end." --David Letterman

"But did you hear about this? Senator Craig from Idaho plans to fight a disorderly conduct charge. He wants to change his plea to 'not creepy.' Earlier today Senator Craig said he'd like to turn over a new page. I believe his name is Kevin" --David Letterman

"In Idaho, restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig, he said he will resign. He said he enjoyed being in Washington and he'll miss his colleagues on both sides of the stall." --Jay Leno

"It seems there is a website that ranks men's rooms across the country for sex. This is true, the one that Senator Craig got caught in at the Minneapolis airport is Minnesota's number one cruising restroom for gay sex. See, all those times you thought those long lines were for security" --Jay Leno

"President Bush has embarrassed himself and the nation in Australia today. I don't know if you know this, he was at the APEC convention ... he said it was OPEC. Then he referred to the Australians as the Austrians, and then he almost walked off the edge of the stage and killed himself. He was going to step on a rake and have it hit him on the head, but he was saving that for the French, he said." --Bill Maher

"Now yesterday he was in Australia, and listen to this. A TV comedian dressed himself up over there as Osama Bin Laden and got within feet of Bush's hotel. They got him, and the Bush spokesman said it was obviously not the real Bin Laden because they caught him." --Bill Maher

"Obviously Bin Laden follows the news over here, because he said Americans are reeling from a mortgage crisis, which is true. People don't know this, Bin Laden used to work for Afghanistan's biggest real estate agency: Century 12." --Bill Maher

"Now there is a new biography of President Bush out, have you heard this? Where it says the president cries a lot. The president said, 'I do tears.' So lets see, he's impulsive, he's stubborn, he's weepy. Sorry Hillary, apparently we already have our first female president." --Bill Maher

"This week President Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao, and Hu invited Bush to attend the 2008 summer Olympics in China. ... Yeah, Bush told the the Chinese president 'I'm busy next year, but pencil me in for the 2009 summer Olympics.'" --Conan O'Brien

"School started, kids are back in school, and parents are warning their kids: do not, do not talk to strange Senators." --David Letterman

"How about that poor Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, oh my god, I'm telling you, I wouldn't give this guy's troubles to a monkey on a rock. He resigned from the Senate and someone will now have to fill the Senator's seat. And I'm thinking, isn't that what got him in this mess to begin with?" --David Letterman

"When Fred Thompson was in school I guess he was known for tossing ice in the cafeteria, making paper airplanes, ... which, ironically, is the exact same thing that President Bush does now at cabinet meetings." --Jay Leno

"Well at the big summit meeting in Australia, Bush called the APEC conference the OPEC conference, he called Australian troops Austrian troops, and then left the stage the wrong way. So he's given the wrong information when he got there, he stumbled when he was there, and couldn't figure out how to leave. It's like Iraq all over again." --Jay Leno

"But actually, Senator Craig was quite philosophical about the whole thing. He said, when you close one bathroom stall door, another one opens up" --Jay Leno

"President Bush had a big day of dumbness yesterday. He was in Sydney, Australia for the APEC summit. That's a gathering of 21 countries that are responsible for half the world's trade, and he started off by saying he was happy to be at the OPEC summit, which is an entirely different thing. Then he called Australians Austrians, at the end of the speech he went the wrong way and almost fell off the stage, somebody had to grab him. It was really a banner day for the president. With Karl Rove gone, the president is like a slightly-inbred golden retriever that slipped off it's leash." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In his latest video, Osama bin Laden urges all Americans to reject democracy and convert to Islam. Well, I can see that happening. Is this guy living in a cave? No, bin Laden said he wants Americans to convert to Islam because there are no taxes in his world. Which is true. There's also no music, no ice, no books and from the looks of bin Laden, no toothpaste or deodorant either." --Jay Leno

"While he was in Australia, President Bush accidentally referred to Australian troops as Austrian troops. And he called it the OPEC summit instead of APEC summit. Even though he made a lot of mistakes he still got a congratulatory phone call from Miss Teen South Carolina." --Jay Leno

"Here's an interesting story: President Bush got in a very testy exchange with the president of South Korea over North Korea. The South Korean President wants the U.S. government to officially end the Korean War, which was 55 years ago. We never officially ended that war. But you know President Bush, he doesn't like setting timetables." --Jay Leno

Have you heard the latest on men's room enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig? He has taken back his guilty plea. He's changed it to just curious. Have you heard his defense? Senator Craig now says his arrest has to be overturned because under the Constitution -- and this is true -- a senator cannot be arrested on his way to or from the Capitol if they are on official business. So apparently, he was striking a blow for freedom." --Jay Leno

It's kind of ironic. The whole time he was copping a feel, he was actually feeling a cop." --Jay Leno

"But he did say today that if he is found guilty, he would be willing to do some kind of community service. You know, like picking up papers in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"Former Senator Fred Thompson, who announced he's a presidential candidate on our show last week, is out on the campaign trail. ... Thompson's wife is a very attractive woman. She is 24 years younger than he is. In fact, he's got four Secret Service agents keeping an eye on the two Secret Service agents who are keeping an eye on her" --Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig is now saying that his constitutional rights were violated when he was arrested in an airport's men's room. Craig was furious. He said, 'When I got to a men's room, I do the violating.'" --Conan O'Brien

"General David Petraeus began his long-awaited testimony before Congress on the status of the Iraq surge. In anticipation of the hearings, President Bush has been shoring up support for his Iraq policy. That is why on Labor Day enroute to a summit in Australia, he made an unannounced stop in Anbar province, Iraq, stopping at the Anbar Province Regional Airport. Lord knows what the signals for gay sex are there." --Jon Stewart

"Earlier today was the big Iraq report. General Petraeus said the troops can start coming home next summer. I believe his exact words were, 'And then it's Hillary's mess.'" --David Letterman

"Another big day on Capitol Hill. General Petraeus testified again today before Congress about the Iraq war. Some Democrats are claiming that Petraeus' answers are scripted by President Bush. Which explains Petraeus' use of the word 'surgerrific.'" --Conan O'Brien

"I guess the Secret Service had a little scare yesterday. For a couple of hours, they could not find President Bush. Turns out he was just hiding behind General Petraeus." --Jay Leno

"The general testified yesterday before the Senate. After listening to him, Senator Larry Craig said, 'I'm feeling a surge of my own.' Senator Craig from Idaho is blaming the media for his guilty plea, especially that cute guy from the Associated Press." --David Letterman

"Restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig said today the only reason he plead guilty to that incident in the Minneapolis airport bathroom was because he was being hounded by reporters investigating rumors that he was gay. And what better way to shoot down those rumors, really." --Jay Leno

"I have to address something that I saw in the New York Times yesterday. Take a look at this ad, a full-page ad from MoveOn.org: 'General Petraeus or General Betray-Us?' Folks, this unforgivable. 'General Betray-Us'? Really? You liberals have all of Hollywood at your fingertips, and that's the best taunt you can come up with? What about 'General Butt-Gay-Us?' That would really call his testimony into question. See, as a child, I worked so hard to create the most powerful playground put downs our school had ever heard. Teachers feared me and I am ashamed to see my art treated so shabbily by MoveOn.org. So watch and learn, MoveOn.org. Or, should I say PoopStupid.Poop?" --Stephen Colbert

"Now one man the Lefties are not going to mess with is former Tennessee Senator and pretend Admiral Fred Thompson, who last week officially announced he was running for president. Who saw that coming? You could have knocked me over with his remaining hair. Now Thompson announced the same way Lincoln did on his website [on screen: Thompson saying, 'Just within the next few years, some very serious challenges are moving toward us that will present a difficult and dangerous time in the life of our nation. There are grave issues affecting the safety and security of the American people, and our economic well-being']. In the next few years, serious challenges, dangerous time, grave issues. No other candidate has not quite said what America might possibly face more eloquently than Fred Thompson." --Stephen Colbert

"Several Jewish groups are upset because President Bush issued Rosh Hashanah greetings over a week early. So they're saying that Bush doesn't know when Rosh Hashanah is. Bush says he'll make up the mistake by sending them all something nice for Christmas" --Conan O'Brien

"Idaho Senator and Minneapolis airport toilet aficionado Larry Craig was in court yesterday trying to withdraw his guilty plea for disorderly conduct. He wants to change it, I guess, to extra guilty." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Intelligence officials believe that video of Osama bin Laden that came out last week is authentic. This is his first new tape in almost three years. I guess he wanted to time his comeback to coincide with Britney Spears.'" --Jimmy Kimmel

"With most of the country against the war, our top military man in Iraq, General Petraeus, says he does not know if the war is making us safer. In fact, for a lot people, it's more dangerous like Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Petraeus gave his progress report on Iraq to Congress. Many of the senators commented to the general. Senator Barbara Boxer said Petraeus was overly optimistic; Mel Martinez of Florida thanked the general; Senator Larry Craig of Idaho said, 'There's something about a man in uniform.'" --Jay Leno

"A New Orleans prostitute has come forward and said she has had sex with married Louisiana Senator David Vitter two or three times a week over a four-month period. This is actually good news for the Republicans. Finally a sex scandal involving a woman." --Jay Leno

"Senator Vitter is denying this woman's allegations. Who are you gonna believe? A U.S. senator or a hooker? I've gotta go with the hooker." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani and Fred Thompson are now tied neck and neck in national polls. Actually, you know, if they were on the ticket together, that would be a tough team for the Democrats to beat. I mean, if they could just get all their ex-wives to vote for them" --Jay Leno

"Senator Larry Craig wants to withdraw his plea. He pleaded guilty. And I was thinking what he should have withdrawn was his foot from the other guy's stall." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, General Petraeus was in Washington testifying before the Senate. After the testimony, Senator Craig said, 'You may not know this, general, but right now I'm saluting you.'" --David Letterman

"Yesterday, General David Petraeus testified before the Senate for 10 hours with just two bathroom breaks. During the same period, Senator Larry Craig took 73 bathroom breaks." --Conan O'Brien

Earlier tonight, President Bush gave his eighth speech to the nation about Iraq. In it, Bush promised to have the troops home by speech #73." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush addressed the nation tonight. President Bush, in the last couple of weeks, has fallen in love with a man named General Petraeus. All he talks about is General Petraeus. They say it was a crucial speech, one that could determine the future of the war. Aides say the president went through at least 20 drafts of this speech before he delivered it, and still he has no idea what it means something about Iraq and a lot about General Petraeus." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Newt Gingrich has hinted he may run for president [audience boos]. And the American people just hinted he may lose." --Jay Leno

"Happy Rosh Hashanah! Today, down in Washington, DC, a confused President Bush carved a pumpkin." --David Letterman

"Here's some sad news. According to a new study, gorillas are almost extinct. The situation is serious. It's grave. Earlier today, the governor of California was placed in a captive breeding program" --David Letterman

"How many saw the president's speech last night? He pre-empted regular programming, which is nice, because viewers tuning in to see 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader' for once got to feel they actually were. Yeah, he offered really no new strategy that I saw, but, of course, a new slogan: 'Return on Success.' Sounds like a Dr. Phil book." --Bill Maher

"Oh, I kid Rudy with love, because he is on the attack against Hillary Clinton. Have you seen this? He accused her of spitting venom at General Petraeus, and he paid for a full-page ad in the New York Times. He must miss the days when he was the mayor of New York, and the New York Times would have to print his bulls**t for free." --Bill Maher

"President Bush addressed the nation last night on this troop situation in Iraq. He said the best method, he believes, is a limited pullout. I don't know. Guys? Guys, that ever work for you? A limited pullout?" --Jay Leno

"Did you know last night's presidential speech was the first one broadcast in Hi-Def? And again, I don't think President Bush quite understands what that means. If fact, when they told him it was Hi-Def, he said, 'Oh great. Does that mean we don't need that lady with the sign language up in the corner anymore?" --Jay Leno

"In a speech yesterday, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. I think they're taking his advice, too, because today, Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth." --Conan O'Brien

"The bathroom stall at the Minneapolis airport where Larry Craig was arrested has now become a tourist attraction where people go to have their pictures taken. Not only that, for $10, Larry Craig will autograph your penis." --Conan O'Brien

"In a new book, Mexico's former president, Vicente Fox, says that President Bush's Spanish is at grade school-level. Fortunately, Bush's feelings weren't hurt, because Fox made the comments in Spanish." --Conan O'Brien

"Idaho Senator Senator Larry Craig announced that he believes the United States is making progress in Iraq, thanks to the troop surge. He said he also would support sending more Americans over to Iraq, starting with that cop who arrested him in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Al Gore! Al Gore won an Emmy last night. Actually, you know the secret to his win? This time, they actually counted the votes" --Jay Leno

"In political news, Vice President Dick Cheney is very upset about the way General Petraeus has been treated by the Democrats. Vice President Cheney said it is horrible that people mock and insult a soldier. I'll be sure to pass that on to John Kerry when I see him." --Jay Leno

"In a new book, former Mexican President Vicente Fox says George W. Bush's Spanish is at best grade school level. Unfortunately, so is his History, Math, Science." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has tapped retired federal judge Michael Mukasey to replace Attorney General Alberto Gonzales. Conservatives in Washington say Mukasey is a real 'law and order' guy. To which Bush said, 'He was on that TV show, too?'" --Jay Leno

"The airport bathroom in Minneapolis where Senator Larry Craig was arrested has become a tourist attraction. Isn't that unbelievable? See, when I travel, I like to go to the men's rooms that the locals use, not some tourist trap" --Jay Leno

"Mexican President Vicente Fox has a new book coming out. In it, he says George Bush is the cockiest guy he's ever met. Apparently, the first time they met, Bush kept demanding to meet the Taco Bell chihuahua. Fox also says Bush speaks grade school Spanish. Well, in fairness, he speaks grade school English too." --Jimmy Kimmel

"In other news, Friday marked Alberto Gonzales' last day as attorney general. On his last day, Gonzales received a full-scale send-off from whatever souls happened to survive his stewardship at the Justice Department [on screen: Acting dir. Michael Sullivan saying, 'When you think of the attorney general, three words come to mind']. Three words come to mind I know! [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I don't recall']. I don't recall. No, that's not it. But it will come to me, Alberto. Oh, it's coming to me. Three words [on screen: Sullivan saying, 'Discipline, duty and honor']. No, that's not it. I guess I don't recall." --Jon Stewart

"But there were other tributes to the attorney general that could also be seen as humorously leading [on screen: DEA admin. Karen Tandy saying, 'History will capture all of the extraordinary records that you set in the area of drugs']. Indeed, one of those records Gonzales has now done to promote more short-term memory loss than any other Hispanic American, breaking the old mark held by Cheech. It was time for Gonzales' own words, his farewell address. Now obviously, if I may, I'd like to add a personal sentiment here. We've used the attorney general's lack of candor, his use of the phrase 'I don't recall' to reduce him to an amnesiac character. But as you go, Alberto, can you, for me, make one more jaw-droppingly ironic reference to it for me? [on screen: Gonzales saying, 'I stand before you today sincerely grateful for the many wonderful memories I have as attorney general']. You don't remember any of it!" --Jon Stewart

"At the California Republican State Convention last Friday, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was forced to whip out one of his trademark cinematic gems, saying the Republican Party is 'dying at the box office.' And I take very seriously warnings about dying at the box office from the man who made 'Jingle All The Way.'" --Stephen Colbert

"Tourists are flocking to Minneapolis to the bathroom where Senator Larry Craig was arrested. It's like a tourist attraction. People are actually going to the airport now to see it. In fact, today Senator Craig called it 'The Happiest Place On Earth.' They have a sign at the door: 'Your stance must be this wide to get in.'" --Jay Leno

"CNN's Lou Dobbs will be off the air for two weeks after a tonsillectomy. I thought this was kind of mean. While he is recovering, CNN replaced him with an illegal immigrant." --Jay Leno

"Tonight we talk about the video we've all seen, the video of the University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, being tasered at a John Kerry speech. By the way, considered one of the most pleasant outcomes of attending a Kerry speech. Many people, from what I've seen, choose to be tasered. The entire situation was an unfortunate combination of police overreaction and what appears to be student douchebagery." --Jon Stewart

"CNN's graphics department put it even more succinctly: 'Why Is She Even Trying Again?' Hey CNN, just 'cause you stopped doesn't mean everyone else has to." --Jon Stewart

"Yesterday at a campaign fundraiser, Hillary Clinton criticized Vice President Cheney and called him 'Darth Vader.' Cheney denied it and said, 'Darth Vader is evil, half-machine and always wears a cape. And I don't own a cape.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday while in Europe, presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani called for an expansion of NATO. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'I believe it's pronounced Nintendo.'" --Conan O'Brien

"It is now being reported that restroom enthusiast Senator Larry Craig is no longer using the Minneapolis airport when he flies from Idaho to Washington, DC. Instead he's using Denver. He says Denver's faster, more convenient and with 23 stalls." --Jay Leno

"Reporters at the Washington-based web site The Politico said that Larry Craig's return to the Capitol this week was 'about as wanted as a mystery meat sandwich.' Which was what Craig was asking the undercover cop for." --Jay Leno

"There are now allegations that New England Patriots Coach Bill Belichick may have tampered with the stadium's audio frequencies to eavesdrop on the other teams' conversations. But the good news of these spying allegations is that today Belichick was offered a job with the Bush administration." --Jay Leno

"So obviously, the president has a better idea [on screen: Bush saying, 'I believe the best approach is to put more power in the hands of individuals. By empowering people and their doctors...']. Okay, I'm just going to stop him right there. I think I figured out the disconnect here. I think I figured out the problem. 'Empowering people and their doctors.' See, he thinks the uninsured have doctors." --Jon Stewart

"Republicans are still angry about this 10-day-old MoveOn.org ad. You know, the General Petraeus, he betrayed us. And the Senate actually voted to condemn an ad. That's what your government did yesterday, they held a vote to pass a resolution to condemn an ad with a pun it in. And then they had oreos and braided each other's hair." --Bill Maher

"And 22 Democrats voted for that, by the way. You know, I have to say, the Democrats are so useless that they could not even pass a bill to get our troops more time between deployments. Only the Republicans could make an argument that a bill that literally supports the troops didn't support the troops. And only the Democrats could lose that argument. Next week, the Democrats are going to vote whether to give Republicans all their lunch money or just some of it." --Bill Maher

"Iran's president wanted to lay a wreath at Ground Zero, but his critics said, 'No, no. You are trying to exploit Ground Zero for political gain, and that is Rudy Giuliani's job.'" --Bill Maher

"Rudy says he is not going to go to the 'black debate' this month with Tavis Smiley, and neither are the other Republican frontrunners. I think that's just as well. I don't think the Republicans are really that in tune with the black community, 'cause they asked Mitt Romney today what he thought of the Jena 6 and he said, 'I prefer The Jackson 5.'" --Bill Maher

Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, has a book coming out where he talks about George Bush. He said that Bush, the cowboy, is afraid of horses. Well actually, he's not afraid of them, but he had a bad experience. Back in college, a horse defeated him in a debate" --Bill Maher

"It's getting pretty nasty out there on the campaign trail. This week, Hillary Clinton referred to Vice President Dick Cheney as Darth Vader. And today, he demanded an apology. Not Dick Cheney, Darth Vader." --Jay Leno

"The White House has announced that during President Bush's last year in office, he's going to visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. Bush says he's going to accomplish all this in one weekend by going to Epcot Center." --Conan O'Brien

"Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger spoke at a conference on global warming, and he said, 'The time has come to stop looking back at the Kyoto Protocol.' Afterwards, people said, 'We didn't solve anything, but it was really fun hearing Arnold say Kyoto Protocol.'" --Conan O'Brien

"This Saturday, President Bush will be on hand in Washington to celebrate the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. The president's very excited about the festival, because he's been named Cliffs Notes Man of the Year." --Conan O'Brien

"Vice President Cheney was recently asked who's going to win the 2008 presidential election, and he said it could go either way. So I guess he means Larry Craig" --Conan O'Brien

"Presidential candidate Rudolph Giuliani also on the campaign trail. He spoke to the NRA, the National Rifle Association, last week and he tried to appeal to them by saying that two of his marriages were shotgun weddings." --Jay Leno

"The Forbes list of the 400 richest Americans is out. Everybody on the list is now a billionaire. You can't even be a millionaire and be on the list, you have to be a billionaire to be on the list. So see that, the Bush tax cuts are working" --Jay Leno

"Instead of New York, I wish they would have invited Ahmadinejad to California. That would have been fun to watch Governor Schwarzenegger trying to introduce him." --Jay Leno

"As you know, the Iranian president said a lot of stupid things yesterday. My favorite is when he said there are no homosexuals in Iran. In fact, today, Idaho Senator Larry Craig volunteered to go over there on an ass-finding mission." --Jay Leno

"I was a little disappointed to hear this. Rudy Giuliani, Fred Thompson, Mitt Romney and John McCain all said they cannot attend the minority debate this week at Morgan State University because they have scheduling conflicts. They're scheduled to meet with rich white people" --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, President Bush addressed the General Assembly at the U.N. and he was coolly received by a skeptical audience. Oh, I get that every night. It's no big deal. California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger was also at the U.N. summit. He did not speak, they just needed him to move a podium." --David Letterman

"But did you see Ahmadinejad's speech at the U.N.? One odd moment: In the middle of the speech, he took a cell phone call from Mrs. Giuliani" --David Letterman

"Ladies and gentlemen, the face of evil, the Hitler of our generation. Let's hear his terrifying words [on screen: Ahmadinejad claiming that there are no homosexuals in Iran]. That's so interesting there are no homosexuals in Iran because in America, there are no homosexuals in our conservative movement either" --Jon Stewart

"Republican presidential candidate Rudy Giuliani is taking flack for statements he made last week in London. Giuliani gave a speech to a group of British conservatives, including Margaret Thatcher .. and told reporters, 'I'm probably one of the four or five best known Americans in the world.' A line that always works in the Admirals Club. Now, Giuliani only made this statement to keep his audience from drifting away. You see, at the time, onlookers gathered in the lobby to gawk at actor Dustin Hoffman who was on a separate visit. Oh, what a coincidence, Dusty. Those two have been at each other ever since Hoffman beat out Giuliani for the role of Tootsie [on screen: Giuliani dressed in drag]. On his meeting with Margaret Thatcher, Giuliani said, 'I think she's one of three people who changed the map of Europe.' The other two, of course, are Napoleon and Hitler. One thing is clear about all this -- Rudy Giuliani loves lists. In fact, he often refers to his wife Judith as 'one of the top three wives he has had'" --Stephen Colbert

"In Utah, polygamy sect leader Warren Jeffs has been convicted. The guy's got 80 wives. 80 wives at the same time. In fact, when Rudy Giuliani heard that, he said, 'Records are made to be broken.'"  --Jay Leno

"This Saturday, in Washington, DC, they will hold the Seventh Annual National Book Festival. First Lady Laura Bush will deliver a speech about the joys of reading. And then, President Bush will give the rebuttal."  --Jay Leno

"All the world leaders are in town for the U.N. General Assembly. Yesterday, President Bush met with President Valdis Zatlers of Latvia, President Festus Gontebanye Mogae of Botswana and President Jakaya Kikwete of Tanzania. Or, as Bush calls them, 'Buddy, Slim and Big Guy.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ah-members only jacket-jad is headed back home tonight after a whirl-wind trip to New York. He said many, many crazy things during his time here, but the one most people seemed focused on -- I certainly am -- is his contention that there are no homosexuals in Iran. That claim was challenged by an Iranian news reporter [on screen: Ahmadinejad saying he knows no homosexuals after Iranian reporter says she knows several gay Iranians]. Neither did Larry Craig, right?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Here's some good news, ladies and gentlemen: President Bush says he has a new plan to stop Iran's nuclear program. This is what he's going to do, he's going to have O.J. steal the plutonium" --David Letterman

"Each year, ambassadors and presidents gather with the goal of making it impossible to get across town in less than two hours. Mr. President, you're first. This is your chance to send a clear message to Iran at the U.N. Take the first swing [on screen: Bush saying, 'Americans are outraged by the situation in Burma']. We are? Really? I think I would change that statement somewhat to say, 'Americans just found out there was still a Burma.' It turns out that during the president's 20-minute speech, he only mentioned Iran once in passing and Iraq twice, focusing more on how he also doesn't like Burma, Sudan, Zimbabwe, Cuba, Kurgistan, and -- this was odd -- the show 'Two and A Half Men'" --Jon Stewart, on Bush's address to the U.N. General Assembly

"President Bush gave a speech urging Congress to reauthorize the No Child Left Behind Act. See, I think the reason President Bush is so adamant about this is, I think he might have been a child left behind himself. Listen carefully to what he says here [on screen: Bush saying, 'Childrens do learn']. Exactly, see that." --Jay Leno

"Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in New York this week. He just gave an interview, and Ahmadinejad summed himself up in four words -- 'love,' 'justice,' 'kindness,' and 'dignity.' And then he said, 'Wait, I'd like to add two more: 'anti-semitic' and 'windbreaker.'" --Conan O'Brien

"There was a debate between the Republican candidates for president in Baltimore tonight. The debate focused on minority issues, and it was at Morgan State University, which is a black college. None of the top four Republican candidates were there. Giuliani, McCain, Romney and Thompson -- not one of them showed up. Apparently, they all had scheduling conflicts that prevented them from going to a place where nobody will vote for them" --Jimmy Kimmel

"You know Bill O'Reilly is in a little bit of trouble with the black folks. He had dinner in Harlem with Al Sharpton -- he must have lost a bet -- and he discovered that black people use utensils when they eat. He said he was shocked and delighted to see there was no difference between a black-owned restaurant nd a white-owned restaurant. Which is true, because apparently, they both serve crackers" --Bill Maher

"Last week during a speech to the NRA, Rudy Giuliani was interrupted by a cell phone call, which he stopped his speech to answer. Giuliani then told the audience, 'That was my wife reminding me to pick up some milk at the 9-Eleven'" --Seth Meyers

"One awkward moment during the debate: John Edwards' phone rang and it was Giuliani's wife." --Bill Maher

"There is a new book out this week about President Bush by one of his longtime fans, Bill Sammon. It's called the 'Evangelical President,' and it's pretty standard Bush idolatry. You know, he's smarter than we think, his enemies are just jealous, he's ahead of his time. By the way, if you order it though Amazon, they recommend you might also like 'The 10 Pound Bag of Bulls**t.'" --Bill Maher

"The old, toe-tapping senator from the great state of Idaho, Larry Craig has changed his mind and is not going to resign. You know what it is? I don't think he wants to give up the key to the executive washroom. You know that bathroom in the Minneapolis airport where he got caught? Well, the airport is now spending a ton of money to build new stall divi