Jokes of the day

"Yet another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. I'm starting to think GOP stands for 'Grab Our Penises.' It's another anti-gay, anti-gay marriage Republican. Washington state Representative Richard Curtis admitted to police he left his wife at home dressed up in women's clothing, which were red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. He had sex with a man in an adult boutique, then went to a hotel with the guy and had sex with him again still dressed in the women's clothes. So not only is the guy a hypocrite, he's also a little tramp too. After all this, the guy says he is not gay. Even Larry Craig is saying, 'Shut up.'" --Jay Leno

"All these Republicans having gay sex. See, that's why so many women are Democrats, 'cause Democrats will at least have sex with them." --Jay Leno

"The Atlanta International Airport is considering shorter flushes in its bathrooms. To help cope with the huge drought in Georgia, they want shorter flushes on the toilets. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls that, speed dating" --Jay Leno

"Tensions are very high between Iraq and Turkey. See, this is where President Bush, I don't think he understands these issues. Like today, he warned the American people we could be in for a rough Thanksgiving." --Jay Leno

"Like any civilized country and organization, from time to time, we in America have to have a national conversation with ourselves. Ask tough questions about who we are; what we believe in; is our children learning; would we, in fact, would like fries with that; do we torture, which like any weighty question of ethics, is actually a question of semantics ...
[on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying the way torture has been defined in the liberal media shouldn't be done]. What is the liberal definition? I have the Liberal Dictionary right here. Let's see how they define waterboarding: 'something done by the evil troops, who we don't support, to innocent terrorists violating their rights to bomb our cities and make us get gay married.' I can see why he'd have a problem with that" --Jon Stewart

"But there was one catch. Democrats require that a candidate be actively campaigning. No wonder Fred Thompson's running as a Republican. --Stephen Colbert

"Hey, don't forget to turn your clocks back an hour this weekend. You get an extra hour of sleep. It's kind of like watching a Fred Thompson speech." --Jay Leno

"Anybody notice that for daylight saving, the change is later this year? It was supposed to be last week. According to the New York Times, Congress made this decision in

Part from pressure from the candy lobby, who wanted an extra hour for trick or treating. Isn't that unbelievable? I mean, the research lobby can't get stem cell research through. The consumer lobby, we can't get lead out of toys. But by God, when it comes to an extra hour of eating sugar, the candy lobby has the power." --Jay Leno

"Another prominent Republican has been caught in a gay sex scandal. This time it's a state representative from the state of Washington, a man named Richard Curtis. He admitted to dressing up in women's clothing, having sex with a guy twice in one night, but he says he's not gay. Fortunately, the other guy was. Anyway, Representative Curtis resigned from office yesterday. Out of force of habit, Larry Craig's wife is standing by him." --Jay Leno

"Karen Hughes, a former adviser to President Bush, is leaving the State DePart ment after working the last two years trying to improve the rest of the world's opinion of America. Congratulations on a job well done. Time to bring out that 'Mission Accomplished' sign again." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush said, 'The Iraqis are taking back Iraq.' Then Dick Cheney said, 'But not the oil, right?'" --Jay Leno

"People who are absolutely upset are the folks in the State DePart ment. They want to send them to Iraq. There's a lot of empty positions that need to be filled over there. But the people at the State DePart ment are revolting about this because they say it's dangerous over there. I haven't heard that. President Bush is furious. He said, 'If you didn't want to go to a war zone, you shouldn't have joined the State DePart ment. You should have joined the Texas Air National Guard.'" --Bill Maher

"There was yet another closeted gay Republican in the news. A state representative from the state of Washington got caught paying for sex at an adult book store while he was on a legislative retreat. Is that what they're calling it now? He was dressed as a woman in red stockings and a black sequin lingerie top. Or, as Rudy Giuliani calls it, Casual Friday." --Bill Maher

"A sixth grade woman teacher from Nebraska ... is on the run with her 13-year-old boyfriend. I know that sounds bad, but consider this, he is a child and she didn't leave him behind." --Bill Maher

"Did you hear about this? There was a guy arrested in a hotel. He's in a hotel and he's trying to have sex with a bicycle. Please get some help, Senator Craig. I am begging you!" --David Letterman

"During the Democratic debate Tuesday night, Senator Joe Biden criticized Republican candidate Rudy Giuliani, saying, 'There's only three things he mentions in a sentence -- a noun, a verb, and 9/11.' Giuliani later responded, saying, 'Joe Biden sucks 9/11.'" --Seth Meyers

"Pat Philbin, the man who staged a fake FEMA news conference on the California wildfires last week, has lost his promotion because of the event. Which begs the question, 'What does it take to actually get fired from FEMA?'" --Amy Poehler

1. Cheney/Satan '08

2. 1/20/09: End of an Error

3. That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

4. Lets Fix Democracy in This Country First

5. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

6. Bush, Like a Rock, Only Dumber

7. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

8. Of Course It Hurts, You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

9. Hey, Bush Supporters, Embarrassed Yet?

10. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

11. America: One Nation Under Surveillance

12. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

13. Jail To The Chief

14. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

15. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Bullshit

16. Bad President! No Banana.

17. We Need A President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

18. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

19. Is It Vietnam Yet?

20. Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?

21. You Elected Him, You Deserve Him.

22. Impeach Cheney First

23. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

24. Pray For Impeachment

25. The Republican Part y: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

26. What

Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

27. One Nation Under Clod

28. 2004: Embarrassed; 2005: Horrified; 2006: Terrified

29. Bush Never Exhaled

30. At Least Nixon Resigned

President George W. Bush was scheduled to visit an Episcopal Church outside Washington as

Part of his campaign to restore his pathetic poll standings. His image handler made a visit to the Bishop and said, "We've been getting a lot of bad publicity because of the president's position on stem cell research, the Iraq war, hurricane Katrina, and the Veterans Administration. We'll make a $100,000 contribution to your church if during your sermon you will say that the President is a saint."

The Bishop thought it over for a few moments and finally said, "The Church is desperate for funding - I'll do it."

Bush showed up for the sermon and the Bishop began: "I'd like to speak to you all this morning about our President. George Bush is a liar, a cheat and a low-intelligence weasel. He took the tragedy of September 11 and used it to frighten and manipulate the American people. He lied about weapons of mass destruction and invaded Iraq for oil and money, causing the deaths of tens of thousands and making the United States the most hated country on earth. He appointed cronies to positions of power and influence, leading to widespread death and destruction during Hurricane Katrina. He awarded contracts and tax cuts to his rich friends so that we now have more poverty in this country and a greater gap between rich and poor than we've had since the Depression. He has headed the most corrupt, bribe-inducing political Part y since Teapot Dome. The national surplus has turned into a staggering national debt of 7.6 trillion Dollars, gas prices are up 85%, which the people of America cannot afford; and vital research into global warming and stem cells is stopped cold because he's afraid to lose votes from religious kooks. He is the worst example of a 'true Christian' I've ever known.

But compared to Dick Cheney, George W. Bush is a saint."

1. That's OK; I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

2. Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First

3. If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran

4. Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

5. If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President

6. Of Course It Hurts: You're Getting Screwed by an Elephant

7. Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?

8. George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight

9. Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore

10. America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

11. They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It

12. No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade Iraq?

13. Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap

14. Bad President! No Banana.

15. We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language

16. We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them

17. Is It Vietnam Yet?

18. When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46

19. The Republican Part y: Our Bridge to the 11th Century

20. What

Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

21. One Nation Under Clod

22. 2004: Embarrassed 2005: Horrified 2006: Terrified

23. Bush Never Exhaled

24. At Least Nixon Resigned

*_Attention ~Attention_*

There is going to be a meeting of the "George W. Bush Fan Club" this evening.  Of course, only paid members welcome...  You will be transported in the "official" GWB Fan Club vehicle, spacious enough for all members, the luxurious White House MiniCooper...

Upon pickup, plan to be immediately whisked away to the"official" meeting site, (yep, it's that same telephone booth in New Jersey, as last time) and treated to an absolutely delightful evening full of denial, lies, falsehoods, misrepresentations, prevarications, tales, untruths..Oh, the fun just keeps on coming!

Entertainment provided by BYOB ~ "Bring your own Brain" ~

Refreshments? Well, they are optional. We may throw you a bone or two, if you beg */really/* hard.

Water is always available.  ( Dude, remember that fire hydrant we noticed next to the telephone booth the last time..?)

See ya there...

PS ~ Be sure and bring your checkbook or AMX Black Card.  A fund raiser may break out. $$$$ :-)

Tomorrow, of course, is the Iowa caucus. As you may know, caucus is a Greek word which means, 'the only day anyone pays any attention to Iowa.'" --Jay Leno

"Iowa is also known as the tall corn state. That's why Dennis Kucinich had trouble being seen there." --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, one of our guests tonight, has reached what they call 'the top tier' of GOP candidates. That means during the debates he no longer has to wear a nametag."--Jay Leno

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through Iraq

The soldiers were huddled, and under attack.

Back in the capital, the White House was quiet;

Kind of makes you wonder, why there wasn't a riot.

Who had time to worry about those poor beleaguered troops;

When Homeland Security had us jumping through hoops?

There was no time to wonder if Iraq was a scam;

Because now Iran was the next sacrificial lamb.

Vietnam, Somalia, Haiti, Bosnia, the history was vast;

Couldn't the people learn from the lessons gone past?

How could a nation have a foreign policy so creepy?

`Tis what happens when you elect a man, with a very small peepee.

The new trial of OJ promised more drama;

The showdown of vapidity from Hillary and Obama.

Breathless sensationalism from O'Reilly and the rest;

Another election where the clueless are put to the test.

But the story was the same, all round the nation;

The natives were spellbound, flipping the station.

The remote was gripped, in their chubby hands with care,

In hopes that reality shows soon would be on air.

They laid back in the recliner, zoned into the box;

For "Family Guy," "Desperate Housewives," and more shit from FOX.

They had no time for reflection, or critical thought;

Of the despair and destruction their warmonger had wrought.

When out on the lawn, arose such a racket;

I jumped from my bed, and grabbed for my jacket.

I ran down the staircase, to the ground floor;

Just in time to see Santa, breaking in my door.

"Hey Pal," I called out, "Didn't you read the book?

You're supposed to come down the chimney, in ashes and soot."

"Well", he exclaimed, "I must take a pass;

"Cause I get can't get down there with my big, fat ass...

"Cinnabon, Krispy Kreme, and what about stuffed crust?

I've been trying to diet, but it's been a great bust.

I read Aktins, Protein Power, and also The Zone;

McDougal, and Pritiken, and yet I have still grown.

"That's why I've got this pipe clamped in my teeth;

With the smoke curling round like a new Christmas wreath.

That last time I quit smoking; I gained so much weight;

My arteries were blocked, and my cholesterol tempted fate.

"You think this job is easy, working only once a year?

What do you think will happen, if they find out I'm queer?

Romney and Huckabee will pull the knife from the sheath;

And doom me to Hell, with great gnashing of teeth."

"But wait a minute, " I sputtered, "You can't be Gay;

You have to be straight‚—it's the American way."

"Oh come on," he replied, "who else but fruits...

Wear red velvet, fur collars, and black leather boots?

"You must be clueless, or been living on Saturn…

Look at my reindeer, did you not notice a pattern?

If you think Dasher and Prancer, are names for a boy;

You should be drinking eggnog with Sigfried and Roy!"

Shocked and dismayed, my head it was aching;

Feeling quite weak, my legs they were quaking.

"Aren't you done here? Can't you move on next door?

I've got my fill, I can't stand any more"

"Well no," he replied, "I hate to sound cosmic;

But next door gets nothing, because they're Islamic.

I've made out my list, and I've checked it twice,

You aint a Christian—you're lower than lice.

"Peace on earth, happy tidings, and goodwill to you,

Unless you're a God damned Hindu, Buddhist, or Jew.

We spread the gospel, and we tell it well;

Side with us now, or you'll end up in Hell."

"No wait," I cried out, "that just isn't right..."

But he kept right on walking, away from my sight.

He whistled for reindeer, and they pulled up out front;

He climbed into the sleigh, with a guttural grunt.

He reached on the dash, where some CDs were strewn

Inserted a disc, with a Broadway show tune.

Santa looked back at me, and said with a yell;

"Convert `fore it's too late, or you`ll burn up in Hell."

I bolted upright, and woke up in a sweat;

Was it just a nightmare that hadn't happened yet?

The ghost of Christmas future, or just my imagination

The destiny of mankind, or wicked hallucination?

Whatever happened to ole Silent Night?

And loving one another, doing what's right?

The season of harmony and peace thereof,

Can't we just live it with acceptance and love?

Legal Notice:

The holiday greeting and wishes for a Happy New Year contained in this email/blog are extended from ("Wishor"), to you ("Recipient"), subject to the following terms and conditions:

This greeting is extended without obligation, implied or implicit, best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, gender neutral, celebration of the secular summer solstice holiday only. Any similarities to religious and/or national holidays is purely coincidental.

This greeting may be accepted in the context of the traditions of the religious beliefs of your choice, or secular beliefs of your choice, regardless of sexual orientation or operating system preference. However, such acceptance by the recipient does not imply any endorsements or consents by the Wishor.

My wishes for your emotional state, financial success, and freedom from disease apply to the generally accepted calendar year 2008. Any other calendars of choice from other cultures or sects are subject to availability.

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal, is revocable at the sole discretion of the Wishor, and is non transferable. The Wishor implies no promise to actually implement any of the wishes. The extent of the holiday spirit experienced will be determined by the effort recipient puts into it. The claims described are for illustration purposes only. Your results may differ. These statements have not been approved by the FDA. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

"Christmas" "God" and "Jesus" are registered trademarks of the Amway Corporation; all rights reserved.

Here is what the draft plans for the George W. Bush Library now call for:

The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can't remember any of the exhibits.

The Hurricane Katrina Room - It's still under construction.

The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.

The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.

The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.

The Men's Room - Where you could meet a Republican Senator (or two).

"As you know, tonight was the big night in Iowa. ... It's easy to remember because this is the only big night in Iowa. ... You know what the candidates average? They spend an average of $200 per vote in Iowa. $200 per vote! How many would rather have the cash?" --Jay Leno

"No, I always love when they campaign because you always see the candidates holding up ears of corn. See, that's what they grow in Iowa. So you always see them holding up ears of corn. See, how come they don't do that when they come to L.A.? You don't see the candidates on Hollywood Boulevard, arm around a hooker, big vial of crack." --Jay Leno

"Here's something odd about Iowa I didn't know. ... You'd think they'd be conservative. They decided to not to ban sex in public places. It is actually legal to have sex in public places in Iowa. See, they will do anything to keep that Democratic caucus there." --Jay Leno

"We don't know the results. So I'm just going by the polls in the paper this morning. But Fred Thompson, what happened to him? Oh, my God. He's doing so badly, it's like he's back here on NBC." --Jay Leno

"Now, if you watched the other late-night talk shows last night, you know David Letterman and Conan O'Brien came back with beards. They had full beards on. ... See, here's my pledge. I will not shave my back until the writers get here." --Jay Leno

"The Writers Guild strike does continue. Fortunately, we've been able to negotiate an agreement but the strike continues. ... Here's what the writers want and you tell me if you don't think this is fair. Here's all they want: The Writers Guild wants a share of Internet revenues and four more years of President Bush." --David Letterman

"Well, congratulations to Barack Obama, the big winner of the Democratic caucus. ... Stunning victory. He got 57% of the youth vote, 35% of the female vote, and 100% of Iowa's black vote, a guy named Larry." --Jay Leno

"As you may have heard, earlier this week, the price of oil closed at $100 a barrel. You see, I don't think President Bushreally understands this issue. In fact, when they asked him what effect this would have on average Americans, President Bush said it wouldn't have much effect at all. He said, 'Most Americans buy their oil in little cans.'" --Jay Leno

From David Letterman's Top Ten Signs Your Presidential Campaign Is Not Going Well: #1. You often ask, "What would George W. Bush do?"

"Did you folks see the debates in New Hampshire over the weekend? Oh my god, dull. I mean, they were so dull that today, and it was official, I saw it in the paper, New Hampshire changed its state slogan from 'Live Free or Die' to 'Please Shoot Me.'" --David Letterman

"Congratulations to Mike Huckabee, to Barack Obama. Iowa has spoken. Cold, white people have had their say. Tomorrow night is New Hampshire, where colder, whiter people will have their say. And if all goes right, Obama and Huckabee will soon be the president of Scandinavia." --Jon Stewart

"The dispute is actually between the Writer's Guild of America and the Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers, or NAMBLA. That joke is grandfathered in. The dispute is over pay for the Internet. The writers want to be paid for Internet content. What is the Internet? [on screen: audio of Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) saying, 'It's a series of tubes']. That's right. It's a series of tubes. That was Senator Ted Stevens, the ex-head of the Commerce Committee in the Senate responsible for regulating the Internet. That $1.99 goes to fuel for tiny trucks and also for Blackwater mercenaries that guard against the World of Warcraft wizards." --Jon Stewart

"Candidates always like to say it, they're gonna get tough on career criminals, Republicans especially. Republicans love that word, 'career criminals.' I mean, what other kind of criminal is there, really? Is this a hobby for a lot of people? Have you ever been robbed and have the guy say, 'Actually, I'm an architect. I just do this on the side 'cause I really enjoy it. And when it's no longer fun, I'm gonna stop. Give me your money.'" --Jay Leno

They held the New Hampshire caucuses today. Is it caucuses? It's cauci, right? The results are in. As expected, a big comeback for John McCain who won on the Republican side. When I last checked, Hillary Clinton had a slight lead over Barack Obama. That one was very close. It was so close, they almost had to call Oprah in to make a final decision" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Kind of a scary incident in the Straits of Hormuz this week. Do you know about this, where those Iranian boats threatened our navy? President Bush said today he has no plans to attack Iran. Oh, he's still going to attack, he just has no plans." --Jay Leno

"How are we going to settle this? Who's the agent of change? Barack Obama or Hillary Clinton? You know how to settle these things in TV Land? Pundit-off [on screen: MSNBC's Matthews saying, 'Is Hillary the change candidate or is Obama the change candidate? I can't tell']. Really, you can't tell. I wonder who is the change candidate. I mean, it can't be both of them. What would be a black man and a woman, how can that be different than the 43 other presidents we've had? [on screen: portraits of all white, male US POTUSes popping up]." --Jon Stewart

"The Republicans, however, we all know are very satisfied with the way things are. They're backing George Bush. They're very excited about things. Before the Iowa campaign, the GOP was on board with status quo [on screen: Mitt Romney saying, 'We should come together and recognize the great work our president is doing and not take our rhetoric or our plays from the Democratic playbook']. Exactly. That was a week ago before Iowa. None of these guys jumping on the reformed boat to Change-istan. Sorry, I'm being told something's changed [on screen: Romney saying, 'Not only can I talk change with you, I've lived it']. For instance, did you see that clip of me from last week saying the exact opposite of what I'm saying now? How many people can change like that over night? For God's sake, I am a shape shifter." --Jon Stewart

"My favorite

Part about Mitt Romney is, it doesn't matter how bad you catch him in duplicity, he will not ever let down. This is a great clip of him from the George Stephanopoulos show [on screen: Romney saying he hadn't seen his attack ad against John McCain]. Did you hear him say that? Did you hear him say that? He said, 'I didn't see that one.' Are you shitting me? You're the CEO candidate. I guess you have to delegate. How do we know he's actually telling the truth? Maybe he didn't see that ad [on screen: Romney saying, 'I'm Mitt Romney and I approve this message' at the end of the ad]" --Jon Stewar

"This year, the immigration and naturalization service has raised their fee to become a U.S. citizen. How much do you think it costs to become a U.S. citizen? It's about $700. It now costs $700 to become a U.S. citizen. In fact, you know how much immigration and naturalization expects to make this year on people becoming U.S. citizens? Over $1,400" --Jay Leno

"And on the Republican side, congratulations to John McCain. He was a big winner up in New Hampshire, too. Fascinating comeback story, this John McCain, quite a guy. Highly decorated veteran. Spent 5 1/2 years in prison then went into politics. Usually it's the other way around." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting, I heard one of these political pundit guys say on cable today, that a lot of people think John Edwards may be too good looking to be taken seriously. And boy, do I know how that feels. Remember the first ten years? That's why I put on some weight. So, I wouldn't be carrying that burden." --Jay Leno

"California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger gave his 'State of the State' address. He talked about his solution to health care. He said, 'Walk it off. Do a few laps. There's nothing wrong with you. Exercise the tumor away.'" --Jay Leno

"President George Bush is in Israel right now. But he doesn't really fit there. He showed up today wearing a 10-gallon yarmulke." --David Letterman

"When you take George Bush out of his own environment, when you take him out of his own culture, like in Israel for example, he makes mistakes. Earlier today, he was speaking it a group of people in Jerusalem and he finished up by saying, 'I am Jewish guy.' There's no getting around it, George Bush is confused. He thinks a Jewish settlement is Ellen Barkin taking $20 million from Ron Perelman." --David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton won the New Hampshire primary for the Democrats right there. Just beating all the expectations, folks. Everybody thought she was down for the count. She wasn't going to make it. The question on everyone's mind was, you know, how did Clinton pull this one out of the pooper. And I believe Jim Lehrer asked that of Gwen Ifill on the PBS 'NewsHour.' 'Gwen, how did she pull this one out of the pooper?' And people are saying it's because about 36 hours ago she turned on the water works and showed some emotion. People are saying it had a certain affect on the voters [on screen: Weekly Standard's Bill Kristol saying, 'She pretended to cry. The women felt sorry for her and she won']. The women felt sorry for her and she won. That's Bill Kristol of the Weekly Standard. Evidently, I should have said that to find her crying and humanizing, you yourself have to be a human" --Stephen Colbert

From David Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Watching Bad Election Coverage: #3: Correspondent spends most of the evening hitting on Kucinich's hot wife

"New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has dropped out of the presidential race, because of his poor showing in Iowa and New Hampshire. Fred Thompson was going to drop out, but nobody knows he's in it." --Jay Leno

"President Bush met with the Prime Minister of Israel, Ehud Olmert. He was a little awkward. 'Cause his English isn't very good and, of course, President Bush's is worse." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also said today that he is worried that Iraq will be overrun by religious fundamentalists. Hey, let me tell you something. If it's good enough for the Republican Part y, it is good enough for Iraq." --Jay Leno

"The stock market bounced back today, up 117 points. See what happens when Bush leaves the country for a few days, things get better." --Jay Leno

"With all this talk of hope and change and idealism and getting the country back on track, it was a friend of mine, an old friend who -- he wanted to say something to you. Is he ready to say it? [on screen: Pres. Bush saying, 'Iran is a threat to world peace']. Boo! That's former president what is that? Oh, he's still. Bush's warning to Iran was sort of a nice reminder for all of us here in the country that he's still the president. And to drive the point home, he's actually going overseas. The president has taken on an ambitious Middle East eight-day, six-country, 12-war visit. I assume he's going to the Middle East like kind of one of those post Katrina surveying of the damage kind of, did I do that?" --Jon Stewart

"This is a ridiculous election. If I hear this word 'change' one more time, I'm going to change the channel. Even Mitt Romney, who is running for president as Ward Cleaver, is for change. Every time he gets up there, he says, 'I love change. Change is good. Who doesn't like change? Whatever I just said, I'd like to change that.'" --Bill Maher

"Everyone is on this youth bandwagon. Fred Thompson, he wants everyone to know he's down with the kids. In fact, today, he said he's the one who knocked up little Juno" --Bill Maher

"According to Men's Health magazine -- I thought this was interesting -- men who are angry are three times more likely than women to want to use sex to solve a disagreement. Let's just hope John McCain and Mitt Romney don't hear about this." --Jay Leno

"According to a new survey, 11% of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 24 could not find the United States on a map of the world. How pathetic is that? Isn't that amazing? President Bush commented on this today. He said, 'Why do we need our kids to find the U.S. on a map? They're already here'"" --Jay Leno

"President George W. Bush is in the Middle East. He's over there right now because his approval rating is higher. Bush would like to settle the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. He's so confident about doing this that he's already unfolding the 'Mission Accomplished' banner." --David Letterman

"President Bush is currently visiting our good friends in Saudi Arabia. Today, President Bush said the Saudis are fully enlisted in the war on terrorism. Oh, yeah. So fully, they're on both sides." --Jay Leno

"According to Google trends, this tracks what people look up on the Internet, people in the world most likely to look up homosexual activity are in Saudi Arabia. Boy, that's the ultimate dilemma for Republicans. Gays with oil. Uh-oh!" --Jay Leno

"There's a guy in Montana. And the cops chase the guy in a stolen pickup truck. The chase lasted 18 hours and he's driving the pickup truck. He's naked. A naked guy driving a stolen pickup truck, the chase 18 hours. And I'm thinking, 'Oh my god, please get some help, Senator Craig'" --David Letterman

"On Thursday in Myrtle Beach, their hometown, the Republicans held their last debate for the South Carolina primaries. Going in Mike Huckabee and John McCain each had one major victory under their belt. Let's see how Huckabee and McCain, who are now the two frontrunners for the Republican nomination, do in a good, old-fashioned Republican debate Reagan-off. Governor Huckabee [on screen: Huckabee saying, 'Well, I stay faithful to the things that Ronald Reagan stayed faithful to']. So Governor Huckabee has never cheated on Nancy Reagan. I don't know what good that is going to do to the rest of the electorate. Let's move along to Senator McCain [on screen: McCain saying, 'I'm proud to have been a member of the Reagan revolution, a foot soldier']. I was a gunner. There we were -- McGovern to my left, Dukakis to my right. There I be. You know, let's open up the Reagan-off to the floor [on screen: Rudy Giuliani saying, 'Ronald Reagan appointed me associate attorney general of the United States']. Ronald Reagan knew your name. The first round of the Reagan-off goes to Giuliani. Let's see. The first round is worth, I don't know, 911 points." --Jon Stewart

"After the Reagan-off, the candidates had to show the people of South Carolina that they understand their problems. Senator? [on screen: McCain saying, 'I know how to secure the borders']. You know how to secure the borders. Apparently, South Carolina is having a terrible time with two wiley boot leggers from Georgia [on screen: footage from 'Dukes of Hazzard']. McCain continued [on screen: McCain saying, 'I come from a border state where our borders are broken. More people come across our border illegally every year than most any other state']. So it sounds like you don't know how to secure the borders." --Jon Stewart

"I believe that Huckabee and McCain have opened up a real opportunity for Giuliani in this debate. Let me hear what he has to say [on screen: Giuliani saying, 'I threw Arafat out of the UN 50 celebration and I made sure Castro wouldn't come to that celebration']. Basically, Giuliani is saying that his foreign policy experience is stopping two old men from going to a Part y." --Jon Stewart

"I looks like the Democratic field really starting to get narrowed down. For Democrats, it's going to be Barack Obama versus Hillary. So, it's a black man or a white woman. You know, this is the same decision Michael Jackson has to make every morning of his life." --Jay Leno

"Fred Thompson said he is out trying to revitalize his campaign. What does he mean 're'? When was it vitalized?" --Jay Leno

"California is having a lot budget problems. In his budget talk speech yesterday, our own Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger says that California should be more like Arkansas. And today, Britney Spears' pregnant 16-year-old sister said, 'Hey, I'm doing my Part .'" --Jay Leno

"The New York Times says the Supreme Court may give the okay for voter ID laws. You know what this is? This means you would have to show an ID to get into a voting booth, which is pretty amazing considering right now most people don't even show an ID to get into the country" --Jay Leno

"The price of milk has gone up 36%. Here's what happened. The cows have joined OPEC. But don't worry, President Bush is already on the problem. He is going to fight the high cost of milk. He is planning to invade Wisconsin." --David Letterman

"So, we were talking about earlier in the week, President George W. Bush touring the Middle East. You know, he's been president for seven years and he decided, 'Hey, you know where I should go? Israel.' Never been there before in his entire presidency. He went to six other Arab countries. Also went to Saudi Arabia. I assume he didn't go there before because he wanted oil to reach $100 before he went. So why is he doing all this now? [on screen: 'Bush's Bucket List' movie trailer saying, 'If you had only one year to live in the White House, would you do the most obvious thing? Create a list of things to experience with your black friend? This January, the Bush administration in association with Rob Reiner presents the Middle East trip of a lifetime. They went looking to fortify strategic alliances; they wound up finding themselves']. --Jon Stewart

"Congratulations to Mitt Romney, he was the big winner in the Michigan primary. His dad used to be governor there, which I think is an inspiration. It proves in America that you don't have to be the wife of a former president to win, sometimes you can just be the son of a governor." --Jay Leno

"John McCain came in second in Michigan. There was one embarrassing moment yesterday when McCain spoke at a polling place that was also a funeral home. I don't want to say McCain looked old but when he tried to leave the funeral home, he had to show ID." --Jay Leno

"These pundits can be very unfair, like they always ask >Barack Obama if he's black enough. Nobody asks Mitt Romney if he's white enough. I guess he is white enough." --Jay Leno

"While he was in Saudi Arabia this week, President Bush met with the Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah. See, President Bush is not good in these social situations, like he kept asking the prince about his sister, Paula Abdullah." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia has pledged to fight rising oil prices. Let's hope it works out better than their pledge to fight terrorism." --Jay Leno

"Saudi Arabia announced today that contrary to rumors of dwindling oil supplies, they have plenty of oil. In fact, with the most recent estimate, they said they have enough oil to keep screwing us for the next 300 years." --Jay Leno

"Scientists announced today they have been able to grow rat hearts in a lab. Finally, some good news for Dick Cheney" --Jay Leno

"By gosh, Mitt Romney won the primary in Michigan. How about that? Which, as you know, now makes him a shoe-in to become president of Michigan. We're all very proud of Mitt. He's the only presidential candidate to come from the Channel 2 news team. Let's throw it over to Mitt and see what's going on in the weather." --David Letterman

"Last night was the Michigan primary, and a surprise to no one, certainly not this pundit, Mitt Romney took the whole thing. It came just in time because everyone agreed the clock was running out for the Romney campaign. Romney actually had a response in the New York Times today. Last night in his acceptance speech, he said, 'Tonight marks the beginning of a comeback.' And so true. It is the comeback for the pundits who made predictions in the New Hampshire primary and had their asses handed to them. Some of us actually got Michigan right for a change. I, for instance, I called Michigan for Romney. Now how did I know that he was going to win Michigan? Was it the fact that he was from there, that he pent more money than anybody else, that his father was a three-term governor? No. Much simpler than that. Jim, put up a map of Michigan, please. I noticed that Michigan is kind of shaped like a mitten. And then I remembered that Romney's name is Mitt. And the first rule of primary politics is voters always vote for the candidate whose name is the shape of their state. Tip O'Neill said it 'All politics is local shapes.'" --Stephen Colbert

"I wanted to start tonight talking, of course, about the big news in the world of politics [on screen: scattered cheers]. Three of you like that idea. The rest were rooting for pornography. We'll get to that. Sometimes the two are intertwined. Now, as some of you may know, in the last few weeks, I have demonstrated here on the show, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am responsible for the meteoric rise of Mike Huckabee. Mike Huckabee had a huge victory in the Iowa caucus, because he campaigned with this man right here [on screen: Chuck Norris]. Chuck Norris. Or, as we know him here at 'Late Night,' Walker, Texas Ranger. Now, how did Walker, Texas Ranger become such a powerful political king maker? Because for years on my show, I did a segment where I would pull a lever and show brilliant clips from that show. Well, the 'Walker, Texas Ranger Lever' resurrected the career of Chuck Norris. That guy was going nowhere fast. He was hitting the bottle, he was sleeping in a gutter. I made Norris, Norris made Huckabee, ergo I made Huckabee! Well, last night in the Michigan primary. Huckabee came in third. Third! 'What happened,' you're wondering, right? Again, I believe I was responsible. You see, Huckabee was so excited about his newfound friend Walker, Texas Ranger that he took the whole thing too far. Huckabee started meddling with forces he does not understand. Check this out. Huckabee ran an ad all day yesterday in Michigan, just blanketed the airwaves in Michigan. He thought it was going to help put him over the top and I think this ad really hurt him. Check it out [on screen: A Huckabee ad on immigration showing Norris punch a guy who's stuck in a bear trap]. Who punches a guy who's stuck in a bear trap? Big mistake for Huckabee"--Conan O'Brien

"Republican candidate Mike Huckabee said, when he was in college, he used to use a popcorn popper to fry up squirrels. They'd fry up squirrels and eat them. And people thought this would hurt him in the polls. It turns out, in South Carolina, went up 30 points."

"The state of Idaho now proposing a bill to let liquor stores stay open on election day, which I think is a good idea. With these candidates, would you want to vote sober? No, I don't think anybody would."

"The American Civil Liberties Union is defending America's favorite restroom enthusiast, Senator Larry Craig. 'Mr. Urinal,' they call him. Remember, he's the senator who got caught soliciting sex in the men's room at the Minneapolis airport. Well, now the ACLU said that sex in a public restroom is considered private if the door is closed. That's something to think about the next time you're putting that tissue liner around the toilet bowl" --Jay Leno

"We were talking a little bit about the president's trip to the Middle East. The president's going to give himself a chance to do all the things that he always wanted to do. So please welcome another installment of [on screen: 'Bush's Bucket List']. The president's Middle East trip is at an end, but the memories he'll have, the things he got to cross off the list. He reconnected with old friends. He danced. He watched people dance. He held a bird. He sold over $20 billion in arms to an unstable region. And on the last night of his trip, there was still one thing left undone. One thing he desperately wanted to do -- to conduct an incredibly awkward interview with ABC's Terry Moran. Well, guess what? Sometimes wishes come true [on screen: Bush saying, 'What am I supposed to do? Go in the fetal position because of your poll?']. Obviously, the president there not afraid of Terry Moran's poll. But what would the president do there in Saudi Arabia when the conversation turned to oil? [on screen: Asked what he can say to the king to get the high oil prices down, Bush, 'Well, I will say to him that if it's possible, your majesty, consider what high prices is doing to one of your largest customers']. How did the 'wanted dead or alive' requests guy turn into Woody Allen all of a sudden? Watch how Bush handles Moran's follow-up [on screen: Asked if he thinks Americans might want him to be a little tougher than that, Bush, 'What's that mean?'] What's that mean? What you did right there! You just scared the crap out of Terry Moran!" --Jon Stewart

"Even if we all pretended that maybe, just maybe in some crazy, cuckoo fantasyland that Colbert made Huckabee, even if that were true, you have to remember this -- by simply mentioning Stephen Colbert's name on mighty broadcast television, I, Conan O'Brien, am breathing life into his career. So, if Colbert made Huckabee, and Conan made Colbert, then Conan made Huckabee! I'd like to let this all go right now. I would. I'm an adult, he's an adult. I want to let bygones be bygones. But no. You see, Colbert said some other things on his show about me. Ugly, personal things that I cannot ignore [on screen: Colbert saying, 'So back off of Mike Huckabee or I will kick your translucent white ass. You got that, Irish?']. First of all, let's get things straight, okay? My ass is not translucent, all right? It's chalky white with streaks of pink. So there. Second of all, Irish? He's calling me Irish. You're attacking the Irish now? You've sunk that low? Let me tell you something, folks, you'll never see me attacking someone's heritage, okay? You won't see me going after you because your name sounds French, Colbert [on screen: O'Brien jumps on a bike with French bread in the basket in front of a backdrop of Paris, while speaking in a French accent]. Oh, oh. Look at me riding my bicycle. And my bread. Oh, I eat the cheese. I make political pundits. I make the jokes about the candidates. No. You will never see me sink to that level. I simply won't do it" --Conan O'Brien

"Here's one of those philosophical questions. If Fred Thompson stopped campaigning, how could you tell?" --Jay Leno

"One year from today, we will swear in a new president of the United States. How about that? And, as Hillary Clinton likes to say, 'Whoever she may be.'" --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to John McCain. He won the South Carolina Republican primary. You know, McCain is described as a GOP maverick. He's a Republican maverick. Do you know what that means? Say that to Mark Foley and Larry Craig, that just means he's a straight guy. See, there aren't a lot of those left." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney was the big winner in Nevada over the weekend, just one day after appearing on the 'Tonight Show.' Coincidence? And to give you an idea how hard he worked for that win, at one point, he actually loosened his tie. That's a big thing for white guys. They loosen the tie, that means they're working." --Jay Leno

"In Saudi Arabia last week, President Bush was criticized for doing a little ceremonial dance with a sword given to him by the Saudi prince. A lot of people thought the president was pandering to the Saudis. To be fair, I don't think the president was pandering. See, I think President Bush is truly fascinated by bright, shiny objects." --Jay Leno

"Pundits say that Mitt Romney may actually be too good looking to be president. Well, that's what keeps me from running. Mitt Romney looks like he is the closer at a Cadillac dealership. Mitt Romney looks like that guy on the golf course in the Levitra commercial." --David Letterman

"For McCain in South Carolina -- vindication. In 2000, everybody remembers he won New Hampshire against George W. Bush. And then when he went down to South Carolina, it was all kinds of negative campaigning that said that McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, and George W. Bush ended up winning that race down there because of that story. Because if McCain had fathered an illegitimate black child, South Carolinians felt that he would be plagiarizing from Strom Thurmond, and they didn't think that was right. McCain did win the race, Huckabee came in a close second, and former Senator Fred Thompson came in third. Now Thompson is from Tennessee. It was very disappointing. He was putting all his eggs in South Carolina. One imagines that once he found out he had lost, he would give a dignified concession speech and bow out of the race with class [on screen: Thompson laughing and saying, 'Well, it may be a little early to declare victory, I'm not sure']. It's funny 'cause you are finished" --Jon Stewart

"Are you folks worried about the economy? Stock market crumbling. Everybody's crazy about this. Don't worry. George W. Bush says he's got something in mind to give it a shot in the arm. And if that doesn't work, Cheney is going to give it a shot in the face." --David Letterman

"I don't know if you heard this or not but Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. Don't worry about Fred, he can always go back to his prestigious fake law firm. Fred spent all day packing the bags under his eyes." --David Letterman

"What about that Mitt Romney? Mitt Romney. He looks like a guy who would run a seminar on condo flipping. He looks like a weekend weather man, doesn't he? He looks like the neighbor who spends way too much time on his lawn" --David Letterman

"Today was a big day in Hollywood. The Academy Awards were announced. It looks a lot of Oscar buzz for 'No Country For Old Men,' which I think was also John McCain's campaign slogan." --Jay Leno

"Another big Oscar nod for 'There Will Be Blood,' the story of a ruthless oil tycoon. Or, as Dick Cheney calls it, 'the greatest movie of all time.'" --Jay Leno

"As you know, South Carolina was a big win for Senator McCain, not so much for Huckabee. Yeah, Mike Huckabee, it was his biggest set-back, well, since that squirrel blew a fuse in the popcorn popper." --Jay Leno

"Well, Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. Do you think he knows yet? It's kind of sad. The only thing standing between Fred and the White House -- the American people." --Jay Leno

"Super Tuesday is coming up -- 23 states, 70 million votes. That is almost as much as 'American Idol,' do you realize that?" --Jay Leno

"Florida is the big one for the Republicans. In fact, Florida is the first state where Rudy Giuliani is seriously campaigning. See, for Giuliani, primaries are kind of like marriages. The first two or three don't really count." --Jay Leno

"Have you heard this report that Iran and Syria have been printing counterfeit $100 bills in order to ruin the U.S. economy? Hey, you're about four years too late, okay? You know, if the Iranians really want to ruin our economy, make TVs and cars. That's what the Japanese did" --Jay Leno

"The Republicans have moved on from South Carolina to Florida where Mitt Romney yesterday was marching in a Martin Luther King Day parade, and made a valiant effort to reach across cultures and connect with African-Americans [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. This courageous attempt to communicate across cultures has many pundits asking the question 'Is Mitt Romney retarded?'" --Stephen Colbert

"Mitt Romney was in Jacksonville, Florida, and they had the big King Day parade there. You have to hand it to him. Even though he didn't fit in at all, he made himself right at home there. Take a look [on screen: Romney asking a group of black children 'Who let the dogs out, whoo whoo!']. Did you hear that question he asked? In fairness, that was his first time ever meeting black people." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? I mean, this guy looks like he'd be selling fruit dehydrators on cable. He looks like the guy who tells you how to buy real estate with no money down. He looks like a cosmetic surgeon who gets ambushed on '60 Minutes.' He looks like the photo that comes with the frame. By the way, if Mitt Romney is elected, he'll be the first president ever sworn in on a copy of GQ." --David Letterman

"In South Carolina, former 'Law & Order' star Fred Thompson has dropped out of the presidential race. He also came in a distant third. Came in third! Which would be great if he was still on NBC. He'd be a hero. Hey, we'll take third place." --Jay Leno

"I was sad to see Fred Thompson drop out. I just hope this doesn't give his face that gloomy hang dog look." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani having a rough time in Florida. Man, I tell you, his early lead evaporated quicker than those wedding vows." --Jay Leno

"As if this field isn't crowded enough, Ralph Nader says he will decide in a month whether he'll run for president again. Ralph Nader. Hey, he's ready to go. Luckily, his suit is still unpressed from the last time" --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden's son is now doing TV shows. He was on the 'Today' show the other day. Osama bin Laden's son. I'm almost too embarrassed to be on my own show. But this guy goes out and he's now saying his dad is very sorry for attacking the United States. Osama bin Laden's son is saying that about Osama bin Laden. He says, 'Dad is very sorry about that whole attack.' Well, that's good enough for me. But apparently -- and it's not hard to believe -- that this guy Omar bin Laden had a troubled childhood, a difficult past. When he was 17 -- and this is true, I looked it up -- when he was 17, he wrecked his dad's camel" --David Letterman

"We begin tonight with breaking news from the presidential campaigns [NBC's Brian Williams reporting, 'The field of Republicans running for president got smaller by one today. Fred Thompson is out']. I promised myself I wouldn't do this [on screen: Stewart starting to cry]. It's a terrible shame, but at least now he can go back to the job he loves as a cereal spokesperson [on screen: Frankenberry]. How the hell did this happen? You remember back in August, Fred Thompson is flying high, second in the polls in August. Expectations were high [on screen: Bill Kristol saying, 'Fred Thompson knows what he is doing and he will be formidable']. Oh, Bill Kristol, are you ever right? It was at this point riding high that the Fred Thompson campaign made a fatal and tragic mistake [on screen: Thompson announcing he's running for POTUS on the 'Tonight Show']. He entered the race and sank like a mother-f------ stone. Because what happened was the idea of Fred Thompson suddenly became actual Fred Thompson. See, on screen [on screen: Thompson, in character, yelling, 'Who in the hell could have made a mistake like that?'] he pops. He has got the charisma. But in real life [on screen: Thompson, at a debate, saying, 'I see no reason to see we're headed for -- ah -- for an economic downturn']. In person, he lacks a certain ... everything" --Jon Stewart

"Earlier tonight right here on CBS, the hit show 'Without A Trace.' Anybody ever seen 'Without A Trace'? Wonderful show. And every week they go looking for something that has disappeared. And earlier tonight, investigators tried to locate the Giuliani campaign." --David Letterman

"I think you can tell that Rudy Giuliani is a little desperate because now he is saying that while he was mayor, New York City was never attacked by a giant lizard. And I looked it up. It's true." --David Letterman

"Tucker Carlson said on MSNBC the other day that John McCain and his wife Cindy went along with Fred Thompson on his honeymoon. Now, look, I knew Fred Thompson didn't like to work hard, but bringing another guy on the honeymoon? Come on. That is just plain lazy." --Jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani and Mike Huckabee are both asking their staffs to work without pay. They want them to work without pay to help them get across their message, 'I'm the best one to fix the economy.'" --Jay Leno

"A new government study says that millions and millions of dollars of federal money is being wasted every year on frivolous and unnecessary projects. This study was two years in the making, and cost $22 million" --Jay Leno

"In a wide ranging interview, Mayor Giuliani explained why he believes Florida was the truly bellweather state [on screen: Giuliani saying, 'This is the state that determined our president in the year 2000. So it's a state that is very politically aware']. True. There are few voters as politically aware as these 6,000 ancient Jews who voted for Pat Buchanan" --Stephen Colbert

"The government is finally doing something. They're trying to give the economy a boost. The Democrats and Republicans today agreed on a tax rebate. Here's how it works. All working Americans who make $75,000 or less will get a check for between $600 and $1200 -- more if you have children -- and even more than that if you have fat children" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Fred Thompson dropped out of the race. Critics said he ran somewhat of a lackluster campaign. That may be a little bit true. His campaign slogan was 'Tanned, Rested And In Remission.'" --Bill Maher

"This week marked the one-year-left point in the Bush presidency. Folks, I'm with you, but stop cheering. He is still allowed to touch things. I pray he doesn't have one more giant f--- up in him, because, you know, he does keep trying. He tried to screw up Social Security, right? He tried to appoint his cleaning lady to the Supreme Court. He tried to get a war cry going to attack Iran. It's not like he's going to quit. He's going to be the worst president ever to the very last minute of the very last day. So I'm still nervous about this last year. I have the same feeling about this last year of his in office as I have when I'm on the highway and I have to go to the bathroom and I just passed a sign that says 'Next Rest Stop: 28 miles.'" --Bill Maher

"On the Democratic side, that's where the real soap opera is. Not that the Clintons always bring the drama. The pundits are now saying that Bill Clinton is down there in South Carolina playing the bad cop uh, while the two strippers are dressed up as nurses. No, no. He's playing the bad cop because apparently the pundits say he has injected race into the campaign to let people know that Obama is the black candidate. You mean before that people hadn't noticed? Say Bob, is Barack Obama black? I don't know. Ask Phil, he follows politics." --Bill Maher

"Support for Rudy Giuliani has fallen to 12%, and that's just among his children." --Jay Leno

"Sylvester Stallone announced today he is endorsing John McCain. I think that's what he said. He might have said, 'Hand me my cane.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you heard this story? They're trying to pass a bill now that allows politicians to insist that they be addressed by gender- neutral titles. Is that really necessary? I mean, don't we already have gender neutral titles for politicians? 'Crook,' 'liar,' 'adulterer,' 'pinhead,' 'moron,' these are all gender-neutral." --Jay Leno

"In international news, Condoleezza Rice, our Secretary of State, says that she has offered Iran normal ties if they drop nuclear plans. President Bush turned the idea down. See, I don't think he understands these things. Bush said, 'Iranians don't wear ties. They wear robes.'" --Jay Leno

"The government is thinking of considering charging every person who enters the United States a dollar to raise more money for border control agents. You know, we can't catch people sneaking across the border now. How are you gonna charge them a dollar? I got a better idea, why don't we charge American companies a buck for every job they send overseas?" --Jay Leno

"Today is the 171st birthday of the flush toilet. Or, as Senator Larry Craig calls it, 'the love seat'" --David Letterman

"The Republican presidential hopefuls had another debate last night, this time in Florida. Former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, he needs to win Florida because he hasn't done well anywhere else. I think I might know why he's not doing well. I believe that Giuliani's lack of success so far may have something to do with his facial expressions [on screen: a montage of strange Giuliani facial expressions]. He may not win the presidency, but he'll make an excellent professor at Clown College" --Jimmy Kimmel

"It was the annual State of the Union address down in Washington. By the way, this is President Bush's last State of the Union address. The next State of the Union address will be given by Co-Presidents Bill and Hillary Clinton." --David Letterman

"You know, that's what everybody is worried about. They say that Bill will actually be calling the shots. They will be the co-presidents. And I'm thinking this is going to be tremendous. You know what it is going to be like? It's going to be like Regis and Kelly." --David Letterman

"President Bush is standing there giving his State of the Union, and behind him you can see Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi sitting right behind the president. And man, what a strange, you know, it looks like a married couple waiting for their divorce to be final." --David Letterman

"During the State of the Union address, whoa what a rowdy crowd. Crazy crowd. At one point, Cheney had to fire a couple of shots in the air." --David Letterman

"It was such a riveting speech, the State of the Union speech, Senator Larry Craig only took two bathroom breaks." --David Letterman

"Did you know what happened on Saturday? Miss America pageant. The winner, our new Miss America, her name is Kirsten Haglund. Congratulations to her. And she is from much Michigan. And she's beautiful. She's the prettiest thing to come out of Michigan since Mitt Romney" --David Letterman

"President Bush gave his big State of Delusion address. In our last year's State of the Union speech, President Bush said, 'The economy is on the move.' This year he said, 'Where'd it go?'" --Jay Leno

"It looks like even President Bush is now being affected by the writers' strike. Well sure, no new 'SpongeBob' episodes." --jay Leno

"Rudy Giuliani thinks Florida is the key to victory. I'll tell that to the Miami Dolphins." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Giuliani's Florida strategy, it's pretty smart because if he doesn't win there, he can always retire. He's already there!" --Jay Leno

"All the candidates are talking about national health care, but doctors don't want it. Doctors worry the national health care plan would drastically cut their pay. Yeah, to give you an idea how much of a pay cut doctors would have to take, they said by the year 2010, you could actually have a lot of doctors playing on public golf courses" --Jay Leno

"Last night was President Bush's last State of the Union address. He said what he'll miss most about the State of the Union address are the fake standing ovations. He and I have that in common." --David Letterman

"The experts are saying the State of the Union address was very ambitious. President Bush said he plans to introduce dozens of bold, new mispronunciations." --David Letterman

"During the speech, President Bush was optimistic and upbeat about Iraq and the economy. So, apparently, he's drinking again." --David Letterman

"It's frightening to be alive, walking around this planet in 2008. Listen to this. A 20,000-pound satellite has burned out. It's going to crash into us. It's already starting to plummet and soon it will explode. There's going to be a fire. Oh, no, wait a minute. I'm sorry, I'm thinking about the Giuliani campaign" --David Letterman

"President Bush said the State of the Union was good, not as good as his buddies at Exxon, but still pretty good." --Jay Leno

"President Bush also promoted his stimulus package, where each American will get $600. This is

Part of the 'You Got Screwed, But Here's Cab Fare Plan.'" --Jay Leno

"You know what I thought was interesting? While the president was speaking last night, they had an online translation of the speech in Arabic, Vietnamese, Mandarin Chinese, Farsi and Spanish. So, I guess President Bush really is trying to reach out to the people of California." --Jay Leno

"Faith is playing a big

Part in this year's election. You have Huckabee, the evangelical guy. See, these fellas get a lot of people concerned about the separation of church and state. Do you know how that came about? Anybody know? See, the separation of church and state was made very clear by our founding fathers. See, what they did is they looked at the Ten Commandments. 'Thou shall not steal. Thou shall not bear false witness. Thou shall not commit adultery.' Then they looked at Congress and realized these two could never come together, we have to separate them" --Jay Leno

"(Bush) gave his last State of the Union address last night. There aren't too many people who will tell you that President Bush was a great president. And if there are, they probably work for Fox News. Fox News on Sunday night, they had a one-hour tribute special called 'George W. Bush, Fighting To The Finish.' They said a lot of silly things, but this might have been the silliest [on screen: FNC's Bret Baier saying, 'From the beginning, George W. Bush has been frequently ridiculed for his speaking style. Now, seven years later, he's credited with some of the most eloquent speeches delivered by a president']. He is? Come on" --Jimmy Kimme

"Last night in Washington, our President George W. Bush, 43rd President of these United States, delivered his seventh and some would say final State of the Union address [on screen: Bush saying, 'The state of the union will remain strong']. Added the president, 'I've done everything I could to jack this union up these past years, but union, you beat me. I tip my hat to you. You're a hell of a union.' But it was a big night. Everybody who was constitutionally mandated to be anybody was there. Hillary Clinton in a stunning red dress looking radiant, proving she would be the most electrifying cutaway. Son of a bitch, no! [on screen: FLOTUS Laura Bush also in red]. No! Damn you, Laura Bush! You promised me you would be in gabardine." --Jon Stewart

"Of course, this was the president's final chance to state his case for his presidential legacy. For the man who came to Washington as a uniter, for him to tout the great biPart isan accomplishments of his seemingly freakishly long presidency [on screen: Bush saying, 'Six years ago we came together to pass the 'No Child Left Behind Act']. And that was it. It seems that as the president comes to the end of his two terms, he has finally realized the best way to get things done for you is for you to do it [on screen: Bush saying, 'We must trust in the ability of free peoples to make wise decisions. We ust trust in the creative genius of American researchers. We must trust in the wisdom of founders. We must trust in the skill of our scientists. We must trust American workers. We must trust patients and doctors. We must trust Americans with the responsibility of homeownership']. By the way, when he says we must trust Americans, he doesn't mean like the royal we as in him. I think we know his position on trusting us [on screen: Bush saying, 'I'm the decider']." --Jon Stewar

"There you have it, a weird utterly subdued State of the Union, and according to Nancy Pelosi the theme of the address was things that taste like s--- [on screen: Pelosi moving her lips like there is a bad taste in her mouth]. Others, of course, had a more favorable impression. For instance, take a look at this right here [on screen: VP Cheney smiling]. He seems to have some kind of inverted scowl. Let me ask you, is the vice president sitting upside down? No. Yes, it appeared that Dick Cheney was enjoying himself. So, ladies and gentlemen, I must warn you that what I'm about to show you is unsettling and could cause great damage. I must ask that all pregnant women watching right now leave the room. I give you, now, Happy Cheney [on screen: a montage of Cheney smiling]. By my count, Dick Cheney smiled 12 times during that speech, meaning he only has four smiles left for the entire year. Although, worst case scenario, he does have a machine that steals smiles from children" --Jon Stewart

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut." --David Letterman

"Don't worry about Edwards. He's going back to hosting 'Wheel of Fortune,' so he'll be fine." --David Letterman

"The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan." --David Letterman

"This is a time in the campaign where everybody is crazy about the endorsements, the big endorsements. Listen to this, Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. However, this endorsement is slightly tainted because, as you know, Janet Reno was mentioned in the Mitchell Report." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a Part y. Friends got together and threw a big Part y for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman

"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a Part y. Friends got together and threw a big Part y for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman

"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman

"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in." --Jay Leno

"The Democrats will not count the Florida vote. They're punishing Florida for moving their primary up. Do you know about this? So the delegates don't count. How ironic is that? The one election in Florida that is done early and it doesn't count." --Jay Leno

"Congratulations to Senator John McCain, the big winner in Florida. You know, this was what they call a GOP-only primary. So McCain had to win over a whole new voter group for him -- Republicans." --Jay Leno

"Actually, it was a tough fight for McCain, because a lot of Florida voters were not sure about him. You know, at age 71, McCain was a lot younger than most Florida Republicans. So they were a little leery that some punk is coming in." --Jay Leno

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Giuliani said he's going to stay active. He said he will endorse John McCain; whereas Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusions Volumizing shampoo." --Jimmy Kimmel

"It looks like Rudy Giuliani is out of the race. Finally, a Republican with an exit strategy." --Jay Leno

"Both Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards officially dropped out of the race today. I love how candidates have to make it official when they drop out. Like we have no idea they lost." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It's called 'The Check Is In The Mail.'" --Jay Leno

"You see Barack Obama at that rally surrounded by all those Kennedys? Man, I couldn't tell if he was running for president or bartender." --Jay Leno

"On the heels of the Florida results, both Part ies have lost a mainstream candidate. First up, South Carolina's favorite son, well, I guess in the primary there second favorite son. Obama won South Carolina and then there was their favorite daughter Hillary. I guess what I'm saying is, John Edwards turns out to be the Cindy Brady of South Carolina." --Jon Stewart

"John Edwards announced his withdrawal from the presidential race in the same city that he announced his candidacy, New Orleans. Interesting side note: in between those two visits to New Orleans, the Bush government has promised to look into pricing some dehumidifiers to help the city get rid of some of that mildew smell. It's a nice gesture." --Jon Stewart

"Both Rudy Giuliani and John Edwards officially dropped out of the race today. I love how candidates have to make it official when they drop out. Like we have no idea they lost." --Jay Leno

"President Bush has announced his new economic plan this week. It's called 'The Check Is In The Mail.'" --Jay Leno

"Giuliani did not officially drop out until 6 pm eastern or 11 past 9 Giuliani standard time this evening. Although last night's winner unofficially dropped him out during his victory speech [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I want to thank my dear friend. My dear friend Rudy Giuliani. He invested his heart and soul in this primary and who conducted himself with all the qualities of the exceptional American leader he truly is. Thank you, Rudy']. Did Rudy Giuliani die?" --Jon Stewart

"Edwards' dePart ure leaves the Democratic nomination down to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, which means that the Founding Fathers finally have a winner in their 'How Long Will It Take Our Nation To Nominate A Non-White Male' betting pool. Oh, I can't wait to find out who is the winner. Ladies and gentlemen, George Mason of Virginia correctly guessed 219 years. Congratulations, Georgey!" --Jon Stewart

"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, and then people started voting. He finished in ninth place and 11th place." --Jon Stewart

"Actually, after some sub-fifth place finishes, Giuliani decided to focus all of his attention on Florida, making the state for lack of a better term 'Ground Zero' in his -- no that's not -- Ground Zero is not the right. Help me out here pundits [on screen: a montage of pundits saying Giuliani put all of his eggs in one basket]. I guess it seems the yolks on Giuliani whose dreams have been poached by other egg-strordinary candidates. Sorry. His career now scrambled. Giuliani spent so much time campaigning in Florida that he literally turned into Uncle Leo." --Jon Stewart

"Actually, the time he spent in Florida did pay off. He got 15% of the vote. Or, as it's known in Florida, all the Jews who used to live in New York." --Jon Stewart

"Unfortunately for Giuliani, there are apparently other people in Florida who were less impressed by how he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone." --Jon Stewart

"John Edwards announced his withdrawal from the presidential race in the same city that he announced his candidacy, New Orleans. Interesting side note: in between those two visits to New Orleans, the Bush government has promised to look into pricing some dehumidifiers to help the city get rid of some of that mildew smell. It's a nice gesture." --Jon Stewart

"On the Republican side, Rudolph Giuliani has dropped out. America's Mayor, John Q 9/11, it's over. For months, Giuliani was the frontrunner for the Republican nomination, and then people started voting. He finished in ninth place and 11th place." --Jon Stewart

"Actually, the time he spent in Florida did pay off. He got 15% of the vote. Or, as it's known in Florida, all the Jews who used to live in New York." --Jon Stewart

"Unfortunately for Giuliani, there are apparently other people in Florida who were less impressed by how he turned the hooker-strewn 42nd street into an ESPN Zone." --Jon Stewart

"Giuliani did not officially drop out until 6 pm eastern or 11 past 9 Giuliani standard time this evening. Although last night's winner unofficially dropped him out during his victory speech [on screen: John McCain saying, 'I want to thank my dear friend. My dear friend Rudy Giuliani. He invested his heart and soul in this primary and who conducted himself with all the qualities of the exceptional American leader he truly is. Thank you, Rudy']. Did Rudy Giuliani die?" --Jon Stewart

"How sad really that Edwards is out of the race, because he had a stirring message that really reached people about two Americas. It is so true, there were two Americas. One in which people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Hillary, and another America where people were voting for Edwards because they were afraid of Barack Obama." --Stephen Colbert

"John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani both today announced they're pulling out of the race for president so they can spend more time with each other. That's really nice. Democrat, Republican, it doesn't matter. It matters that these are two men who are very much in love and they're not ashamed of it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Giuliani said he's going to stay active. He said he will endorse John McCain; whereas Edwards surprised everyone by saying he will endorse Herbal Essence Fruit Fusions Volumizing shampoo." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan." --David Letterman

"Actually, after some sub-fifth place finishes, Giuliani decided to focus all of his attention on Florida, making the state for lack of a better term 'Ground Zero' in his -- no that's not -- Ground Zero is not the right. Help me out here pundits [on screen: a montage of pundits saying Giuliani put all of his eggs in one basket]. I guess it seems the yolks on Giuliani whose dreams have been poached by other egg-strordinary candidates. Sorry. His career now scrambled. Giuliani spent so much time campaigning in Florida that he literally turned into Uncle Leo." --Jon Stewart

"Anybody see the Republican debate last night? Nasty, nasty debate, at one point, Mitt Romney got so upset, so agitated, so worked up, that his hair cracked." --DavidLetterman

"Don't worry about Mitt, if this presidential thing doesn't work out he can always go back to playing Victor Newman on the 'Young and theRestless.' Mitt Romney doesn't look like a president, he looks like a ringmaster. Mitt looks like a guy wearing a golf shirt in an Eddie Bauer catalogue. He looks like the desk clerk at a Peninsula Hotel who tells you your room's not ready. Mitt looks like the guy at a Part y who gives you his card. He looks like a tennis pro at a restricted country club. He looks like a jet blue pilot who comes out to greet the passengers during a delay. Mitt Romney looks like the guy who says to the contestant, 'We're out of time, can you comeback tomorrow?'" --David Letterman

"Arnold Schwarzenegger has endorsed John McCain. Arnold made his announcement in primitive sign language from his cage." --David Letterman

"The Republican race is now down to McCain and Romney. Interesting two guys, you got the guy who spent five years in a prison camp versus the guy who spent five years in the tanning booth." --Jay Leno

"As America looks desperately ahead to the next administration, the current one, apparently, has not left yet. For instance, last week Congress passed the National Defense Authorization bill for 2008, which controls the funding for our national defense, including wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and, who knows, maybe a few surprise countries. Anyway, this is Congress' right, they're allowed to collect taxes, run the post office, get their own gym, and, you know, they getto raise and support armies. It's in the Constitution -- the funding and stuff. Well, funny story, the president added four, I guess you call them-interpretations to the bill Congress passed. I believe they're called signing statements. For instance, the passed and signed law says you can't use taxpayer money to build permanent military bases in Iraq, and the president is saying,'Uh, yeah, no, I think I can.' And the law they passed strengthens protections for whistleblowers. Which, I guess the president is saying he can un-blow. And the president rejected a couple of other provisions concerning Congress' ability to get intelligence assessments or investigate waste mismanagement and the reason that he gave was, uh, let me see if I can find -- He gave no reason"--Jon Stewart

"I watched this speech. It is so infuriating the way Bush has a way of getting religion on issues that he has been resisting forever, and then he acts like he thought of it and we're the a-------. This government must stop spending money we don't have! ... He actually had the nerve to say, 'For the sake of the environment, we got to use less oil. Some dips--- has been dragging his feet on global warming around here. When I find out who's in that guy's body, I'm going to f--- him up.'" --Bill Maher

"I hope Americans learn one thing -- never again elected a black-out drinker. ... This is the guy who parks his car on the front lawn and says, 'How did that get there?'" --Bill Maher

"This is who the Democrats brought out last night -- James Bond was there, Leo DiCaprio, Diane Keaton, Steven Spielberg. Now, not to be outdone, this was who John McCain was campaigning with last week -- Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats dude. They are a little celebrity challenged. John McCain must have said to his staff, 'Find me someone who makes me look young. Make up a short list of people who are older than me.' And they said, 'Sir, that is a short list. Joan Rivers doesn't want to do it, and we're not sure if Abe Vagota is dead.'" --Bill Maher

"Speaking of dead, the Republicans on Wednesday night had their debate at the Reagan Library. They opened the debate -- I couldn't make this up -- with a shot of Reagan's diary. The actual handwritten, leather-bound Reagan diary with a little key. I swear to God, Anderson Cooper said he was afraid to even touch it ... like it was something out of Harry Potter. Republicans don't want to have a debate, they want to have a seance. They want to bring back Reagan's ghost and have him run the country, hovering over your bed like Eva Longoria in that movie." --Bill Maher

"We had Senator John McCain on the show last night. If he wins, he would be the oldest president ever to take office. But the good news, at 71, he would be eligible for pre-boarding on Air Force One." --Jay Leno

"Happy Groundhog Day, ladies and gentlemen! ... It's funny. Earlier today, down in Washington, DC, a confused President Bush pardoned a turkey." --David Letterman

"Giuliani dropped out of the presidential race, but don't worry about him. He's already busy looking for wife number four." --David Letterman

"John Edwards also dropped out of the race today. He said he wants to spend more time with his haircut." --David Letterman

"Don't worry about Edwards. He's going back to hosting 'Wheel of Fortune,' so he'll be fine." --David Letterman

"The Florida retirees didn't go for that Mitt Romney, either. He reminded them of a guy who tries to get a hold of their nest egg. He reminded them of a guy who sells subdivisions in the Everglades. He reminded them of the guy who pitches overpriced cemetery plots. He reminded them of the pharmacist who doesn't accept their prescription plan." --David Letterman

"This is a time in the campaign where everybody is crazy about the endorsements, the big endorsements. Listen to this, Janet Reno has endorsed Hillary Clinton. However, this endorsement is slightly tainted because, as you know, Janet Reno was mentioned in the Mitchell Report." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney, 67 years old today. What a Part y. Friends got together and threw a big Part y for him, and then Cheney tortured the cake. That was good. Then they all enjoyed playing shoot the tail off the donkey." --David Letterman

"Not only Bush will be out of a gig in about a year, but Cheney will also be out of the office. Don't worry about him. After leaving office, he's got it all lined up. He is going to be doing a one-man show right here on Broadway. A one-man show. It's called 'The Angina Monologues'" --David Letterman

"You know what's amazing about Los Angeles? This city never fails to amaze me. Last week, Governor Schwarzenegger was in town. All the Republican candidates were here. All the Democratic candidates were here. All with secret service protection. And all put together, they still had less of a motorcade than Britney Spears going to the hospital." --Jay Leno

"This past weekend was Groundhog Day. I like Groundhog Day. I mean, it's nice to see something coming out of a hole in a ground that's not running for president." --Jay Leno

"You know what's interesting? Even though McCain is the frontrunner tomorrow in the big Super Duper Tuesday thing, the other GOP candidates still sniping at each other. You've been following this? Romney wants Huckabee to quit. Some think McCain is too liberal. Others think Romney is too conservative. Remember the good old days when the Republican Part y was united against the poor? What happened?" --Jay Leno

"Now, of course, ultimately all of this is owed to the fact that because I gave him the Colbert bump, I made Mike Huckabee [on screen: Jon Stewart and Conan O'Brien appear to start a fight]. Super Tuesday is tomorrow. And this year, as in all election years, conservative Christians are playing a huge role. You either as a candidate have to appease them or get out of their way. Now, on the Republican side, Mitt Romney seems to be a favorite of conservative Christians this time around because as a Mormon, he is Christian-ish. John McCain has a little bit of a tougher time because he called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson agents of intolerance eight years ago. If there's one thing we know about Christians, they do not forgive. Not in their nature. --Stephen Colbert

"John McCain says that he's been tested, re-tested and tested again. And that's just his prostate." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates are out there stumping like it's November. Do you know why campaigns call it stumping? Anybody know? You know where it comes from? It's interesting. It's called stumping because when you ask them, 'When are we getting out of Iraq,' they're stumped. 'How about health care?' They're stumped. 'The economy?' Stumped." --Jay Leno

"But, by God, I wish that John McCain a great deal of luck. I'm telling you, at my age, I'm just happy to see a president who's older than I am, you know what I mean?" --David Letterman

"How about that Mitt Romney, huh? This guy looks like a lawyer who advertises on the back of a bus. ... This guy, he looks like an American actor who's popular in Germany. ... He looks like a contractor you'd have to sue, this Mitt Romney. ... He looks like the neighbor with the neat garage, that Mitt Romney. ... You remember Mitt Romney from the '80s? He was Mr. Goodwrench." --David Letterman

"John McCain was the big Republican winner. One pundit said McCain's lucky nickel was working. He carries a lucky nickel. It must be lucky - six months ago, that was his campaign war chest." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney did not do too well. Mitt Romney keeps touting the improtance of haivng a job in the private sector. Now it looks like he might need it." --Jay Leno

"I don't want to say Romney did bad, but this was the worst night for Mormons since Marie Osmond passed out on Dancing with the Stars." --Jay Leno

"Romney spent something like $35 million of his own money. If he loses any more, he may have to run as a Democrat." -Jay Leno

"In a recent speech, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to be more like him. I think it's working - today Mitt Romney gave a speech with a dozen walnuts in his mouth." --Conan O'Brien

"I don't know if Mitt gets it. Last night he was talking to his supporters and he had his sweater tied around his neck. ... Mitt Romney came in second to John McCain. John McCain got the black vote, but Mitt got the well-tanned vote." --David Letterman

"Now refers to Mike Huckabee as "Mike Suckabee" --from David Letterman's Top Ten Signs John McCain Is Getting Too Cocky

"If he suspends his campaign, Mitt gets to keep his delegates. And I'm thinking, whoa, how would you like to be those five guys?" --David Letterman

"Mitt Romney withdrew from the race. Despite this, a new poll found that he is favored by senior citizens. Unfortunately for Mitt, the seniors still ranked him third behind applesauce and Jell-O." --Conan O'Brien

"The GOP likes to call itself the "Big Tent Party," which would make Mike Huckabee the revivalist tent. Ron Paul would be the circus tent. And of course, John McCain is the oxygen tent." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney, the first Mormon candidate, has dropped out of the race. He says he wants to focus on 2012, which is how many wives he has." --Craig Ferguson

From David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Mitt Romney Dropped Out Of The Presidential Race: "Apparently America is not ready for a white male president"

"Rudy Giuliani is announcing his own line of clothing. It comes apart at the seams." --David Letterman

"Amazing how quickly things change in politics. I was discussing it this morning with my driver, Mitt Romney." --Jay Leno

"Mitt Romney threw in the monogrammed towel. That leaves McCain and Huckabee. The old guy and the preacher. Which brings up the philosophical question: Which one is closer to God?" --Jay Leno

"It looks like John McCain has gotten the nod. Of course, McCain getting a nomination, this is Rush Limbaugh's worst nightmare since the pharmacist said, "We're out of OxyContin." --Jay Leno

"President Bush says during his last year in office, he will visit more countries than in any other year of his presidency. He says he will accomplish all of this in one weekend by going to EPCOT Center." --Conan O'Brien

"Last week, prison guards had to use tear gas to break up prison riots in New Jersey. When the tear gas didn't work, the guards sprayed the prisoners with New Jersey air." --Conan O'Brien

"Asked why he is still in the race, Mike Huckabee said, 'I have nothing else to do.' So it sounds like he really is running for vice president." --Jay Leno

"Republicans say that John McCain will be good for business. They didn't say what business, but I'm guessing probably the Scooter Store, Doan's Pills, Craftmatic Adjustable Bed, and the Miracle Ear." --Jay Leno

"As you know, Mitt Romney's campaign is dead. Although I understand why those officials just told President Bush he went to 'live on a farm.'" --Jay Leno

"But I really - I think I'm going to miss Mitt Romney. He looked like the white hunter who ignores Tarzan's warning." --David Letterman

"Boy, talk about a black eye for baseball. You know what's happening today? Congressional investigations into Roger Clemens and the steroid use begin tomorrow. And it's interesting, you know? We didn't get bin Laden but by God, we're nailing this guy." --David Letterman

"And of course Mitt Romney dropped out of the race, and I'm going to miss him. Romney looked like a close personal friend of the late Bob Crane. ... Romney looks like a guy who says to the bartender, 'If I wanted a glass of tonic, I would have ordered it.' ... Romney looks like a guy you just met who uses your first name too much. ... Mitt Romney looks like a cavalry officer who has no intention of honoring the treaty with the Apaches." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's Mitticisms)

"The government is going to be handing out rebate checks. We're like a bad car dealership now in this country, handing out the rebate checks. They're trying to restore confidence in the U.S. economy. The bad news - half the people want the money in euros, the other half want it in pesos." --Jay Leno

"According to a new poll, the nation's youth do not have as much faith in the federal government being able to help them in their future. Fifty percent of the young people polled said they felt the federal government would get in their way of their goals and their ambitions. The other 50 percent said they had no goals or ambitions and hoped to work for the Federal government." --Jay Leno

"While our writers were gone, Democratic candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama all declared their support for the writers strike. Meanwhile, President Bush announced he's in favor of a 'readers' strike.'" --Conan O'Brien

"After John McCain swept yesterday's primaries he purposely stole a line Barack Obama's been using, 'I'm fired up and ready to go.' When Obama heard this he stole a line McCain's been using, 'I'm old and not sure where I am.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Barack Obama is now considered the front-runner. You know what they say, behind every successful man is a woman. Hillary was surprised to find out that it was her." --Jay Leno

"Senator John McCain did very well. He swept as well. He won all his primaries. Of course the big question with McCain is his age. I don't want to say he's old, but I understand his new campaign slogan is, 'Why did I come in here for again?'" --Jay Leno

"How about that Mitt Romney? I'm going to miss him. He's like the archaeologist who ignored the curse of the mummy's tomb. ... He looks like the dull fiance that Julie Roberts dumps for the co-star. ... He looks like the author of the book on seven keys to success. ... He looks like the guy who puts on a dress and wig and sneaks into the lifeboat." --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's Mitticisms)

"Another gift from the comedy gods: Baseball great Roger Clemens sat in front of Congress today, to answer questions about whether or not he used performance-enhancing drugs. Clemens says he didn't; his former trainer says he did. I might be the only one who believes them both. ... I only know this: I watched this thing for three hours and I have not heard the word buttocks used so often in congressional hearings since the last time Oliver North showed up wearing a banana hammock. ... They're very focused on buttocks because it takes their minds off the economy and the war and all that other stuff." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Have you been watching the Roger Clemens congressional hearings? He denies being injected by his trainer. But what I thought was interesting was every time they mentioned 'buttocks,' Sen. Larry Craig swooned." --David Letterman

"Mexican President Felipe Calderon is visiting the United States. Before hand he came here, he sent his advance team - all 12 million of them." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito gave a speech in New Jersey yesterday and he condemned the show 'The Sopranos' because he says it makes New Jersey look bad. Which really isn't true - New Jersey makes New Jersey look bad." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush has got a little less than a year left in office so he is trying to squeeze in as many free trips as he can. He's visiting Africa - this is his second trip there as a President. This time, he's going to meet with a number of key leaders including the President of Benin and the leader of Rwanda. Last time, he refused to meet anyone other than Babar, the cartoon elephant." --Jimmy Kimmel

Actually, political experts say that Mitt Romney has the No. 1 thing John McCain is looking for in a vice presidential candidate - an organ donor card." --Jay Leno

"And I guess you heard the U.S. military is going to shoot down that satellite that's falling to Earth. See, I knew this would happen. I knew it was just a matter of time before President Bush did a preemptive strike on ourselves. Do you know his rationale for shooting down the satellite? He said he wants to try and bring democracy to outer space." --Jay Leno

"On Bill O'Reilly's show on Fox, Bill O'Reilly does a segment he calls 'Pinhead or Patriot.' And today President Bush said, 'Well, why can't you be both?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush says if John McCain is the Republican nominee, he will campaign for him. Well, you can't do better than that." --David Letterman