Jokes of the day

"Yesterday, kids all over America spent the day looking for Easter eggs. And today, their parents are in New York at Bear Stearns trying to find their nest eggs." --Jay Leno

"Today at the White House, President Bush hosted the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Young kids roll Easter eggs with spoons across the White House lawn. What fun that must be for kids if this was 1908." --Jay Leno

"In more serious news, big controversy last week after State Department officials looked at passport files of all three major candidates. Turns out, they got a hold of John McCain's Social Security number. Got his social security number. You know what it is? Three." --Jay Leno

"And Larry Craig did not file for re-election by the deadline. He legally cannot run for office again. How about that? Ironically, you know why Larry Craig missed the filing deadline? He was in the men's room." --Jay Leno

"Did you hear about this? Two State Department employees were fired -- this is a bit of a scandal -- because they were looking at Barack Obama's passport file. Not only that, but the same person was also looking at John McCain's Civil War records." --David Letterman"Senator Larry Craig from Idaho, he did not sign up for re-election. He is not going to run for office again. So don't let the stall door hit you on the way out, Larry." --David Letterman

"No, Barack Obama will appear on 'The View' this Friday. Right, he thought his pastor was loud and opinionated. Oh, God. Wait 'til Joy gets hold of him." --Jay Leno

"Here's some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. ... Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. Maybe you know somebody like this. A couple of 93-year-old guys living in Florida, and guess what, they're hiring prostitutes. 93 years old. ... This is what happens, by the way, when Medicare covers Viagra." --David Letterman

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Here's some news from Hollywood. You know Pamela Anderson? Well, she recently had her marriage annulled. ... Her marriage lasted two months. I mean, honest to God, she goes through husbands like New York goes through governors." --David Letterman

"Listen to this. Maybe you know somebody like this. A couple of 93-year-old guys living in Florida, and guess what, they're hiring prostitutes. 93 years old. ... This is what happens, by the way, when Medicare covers Viagra." --David Letterman

"Speaking of old guys, how about that John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the guy who gets frisky with the new waitress at IHOP. ... He looks like the guy who watches his Cadillac go through the car wash. ... He looks like the guy in the supermarket yelling into his cell phone, 'I'm in aisle three, Marge. I can't find the brownie mix.'" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Crazy if Hillary's campaign is derailed by a comedian. It has happened before. When John McCain first ran for the Senate, he was called a liar by the most famous comedian of that time: Mark Twain." --Craig Ferguson

"Do you think this is a big deal? See, all candidates exaggerate. Remember when McCain ran in 2000? Remember that? He had to retract a claim that he had been under cannon fire from the Confederates." --Jay Leno

"Hey, John McCain is moving up in the polls. In fact, he appears to be getting support from younger voters. How young you say? Well, yesterday, he was endorsed by Nancy Reagan. ... She said she's either going to endorse McCain or nobody. Well, that's got to make you feel good, huh?" --Jay Leno

"And at a speech earlier today in Sterling, Virginia, President Bush said the economy is going through a rough patch, but he's confident things will work out. Unless you own a home, own a car, have stock, or you're over 65." --Jay Leno

"Hey, Fred Thompson announced he's getting back into acting. Fred Thompson. Yeah, how about that? ... That's a pretty gutsy decision, considering his less than convincing portrayal of a presidential candidate." --Jay Leno

"Barack Obama is back from his vacation in the Virgin Islands. He played a lot of shuffle board down there. See, he's pretty smart. He was doing that in case John McCain challenges him to a duel." --Jay Leno

"MSNBC is reporting there's a chance that John McCain will pick Condoleezza Rice as his vice president. Well, actually, I think that's a perfectly balanced ticket. Right? I mean, he's white, she's black. He's a man, she's a woman. He's always steamed, she's Rice." --Jay Leno

"The White House is now outsourcing the manufacturing of our passports overseas. Our passports will now be made in foreign countries. See, this is how a global economy works. When an illegal immigrant from Mexico living in L.A. and working in a Japanese-owned company wants to go home to visit his relatives, he uses a a passport made in Thailand that he gets by a calling customer service number in India. You see how it works? This could be the thing that makes Lou Dobbs' head explode." --Jay Leno

"I don't know if you've heard this, but in Iraq, the Shiite has hit the fan. ... This war going on between a powerful Shiite militia and the Iraqi army, which is a powerful Shiite militia. It's so violent that Baghdad and five other cities now are in complete lockdown. No one can go on the streets. So, if you're a Republican looking for a photo-op to show how peaceful it is, now is a good time." --Bill Maher

"By the way, this has nothing to do with al Qaeda. You know, Bush is always talking about 'we're fighting al Qaeda and other extremists.' Yeah, al Qaeda who actually attacked us. This is a war between rival Mafia families with George Bush playing the part of 'Fredo.'" --Bill Maher

"And the U.S. Army is fighting on behalf of one of these rival Shiite militia families. We're fighting on behalf of the Supreme Islamic Council. Aren't you proud of America today, ladies and gentlemen, that we're fighting for the Supreme Islamic Council? That's why we sent our troops there. And Bush said even though the Iraqis are fighting the Iraqis, luckily, a civil war has not broken out." --Bill Maher

"This is what he said in his speech yesterday -- I'm not kidding about this. He said things are good in Iraq because when you fly over it, you can see soccer games. What you can't see from that level is that they're being played with a human head." --Bill Maher

"It looks like Mitt Romney really wants to be picked as vice president. Did you see the picture in the paper today of Romney talking to John McCain? Show this picture [on screen: picture of McCain and Romney]. Doesn't it look the head of Leisure World explaining the benefits of assisted living to the newest resident? 'Plus, we have Meals on Wheels.'" -- Jay Leno

"I don't know that Clinton and Obama will ever be friendly enough now to be running mates, but John McCain is rumored to be close to asking his former rival, Mitt Romney, to be his running mate. You might remember that when they were running against each other, McCain accused Romney of having two positions on every issue. I guess now he figures there will at least be one position he likes, so what the hell. John McCain and Mitt Romney, to me, look like two guys who model overcoats in 'Sears' catalogues" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Well, in a stunning announcement, Pennyslvania Senator Bob Casey Jr., who had said he would remain neutral, because he's a Democrat, has endorsed Barack Obama. He said he endorsed because of his four young daughters told him they wanted Barack for president. It also explains his choice for vice president -- Hannah Montana" --Jay Leno

"And yesterday down in Washington D.C., President Bush threw out the first pitch at the Nationals game. ... He stayed and then left in the 7th inning and I thought, 'Great, at least he has an exit strategy for that.'" --David Letterman

"Do you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy who can't remember if he took his pill. He looks like the guy who goes to bed after Andy Rooney. He looks like the guy who has his exhaust pipe tied to his rear bumper." --David Letterman

"This weekend, Bill Clinton said Hillary should not drop out of the presidential race. Yeah, when asked why, Bill said, 'Because then she'd come home.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Here's some good news: In response to the country's severe economic crisis, President Bush has been working around the clock. He has drafted landmark legislation that will end the recession within a month and bring down the price of gas by 35%. April Fool's!"

"Two Ohio companies who staged events for Hillary Clinton say that they've been trying to get paid. For weeks they have been trying to get the Clinton campaign to pay their bill, but the Clintons won't answer their e-mails or return their phone calls. Ironically, they even tried calling Hillary at 3 a.m. and nobody answered." --Jay Leno

"On a lighter note, Hillary Clinton announced that her favorite music group is the Rolling Stones. She said they were the first concert she ever went to. John McCain said the first concert he ever attended was two guys pounding on a log with sticks to celebrate a successful woolly mammoth hunt." --Jay Leno

"President Bush threw out the first ball the other night at the Washington Nationals home opener. Boy, wasn't is nice to see Bush throwing out something other than the Constitution?" --Jay Leno

"Big news in the world of television. Kathie Lee Gifford -- remember Kathie Lee Gifford -- who was on the 'Regis Lee Show with Kathie Lee Gifford' is returning to television. She's going to be on the 'Today' show. Returning to television. Here's the scary part: President Bush knew about this, but failed to act."

"You know who I like is that John McCain. You folks like John McCain?. ... He looks like the guy at the hardware store who makes the keys. He looks like the guy who can't stop talking about how well his tomatoes are doing. He looks like the guy who goes into town for turpentine. He looks like the guy who always has wiry hair growing out of new places. He looks like the guy who points out the spots they missed at the car wash." --David Letterman

"The Washington Post reports that John McCain is having trouble raising enough money for his campaign. Plus, every time someone does donate money to McCain, he puts it in a card and sends it to his grandchildren." --Conan O'Brien

"The London Daily Telegraph says that more and more Democrats now believe their candidate for president should be Al Gore, not Hillary or Barack. And today, President Bush said, 'Well, if Al Gore can run again, that means I can too, right?'" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest issue of Newsweek, they are reporting that in Iraq, Shiites are turning on their own supporters. They're attacking their own people. You know what that means, the Shiites are really hitting the fans." --Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke ... speaking before Congress warned we may be headed towards a recession. Thank you, Captain Obvious. Let me guess, the real estate market not looking too good either." --Jay Leno

"And Bush's secretary of housing announced he's stepping down. Well, sure, now that no one has a house anymore, he's got nothing to do." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday on the campaign trail, John McCain gave a speech at the high school he attended in Virginia. McCain told the senior class, 'What a coincidence! You graduated in '08 and I graduated in '08.'" --Conan O'Brien

"If this McCain fella is going to break through the new tsunami that is the Democratic race, he's going to have to get his name out there. Well, folks, buckle your seatbelts. Seriously, if you want to go on this little tour he has going, you have to buckle your seatbelts [on screen: news reports about McCain's 'bio' tour]. Gather around, everybody! An old man wants you to get on a bus so he call tell you stories about his life. Wow! It's all the allure of an Atlantic City senior citizens outing without all the awkward sexual tension ... or the quarters. What is he thinking? Come on a bus so I can tell you about my life. That's going to grab people, I guess." --Jon Stewart

"I don't know if you're aware of this, but our economy is struggling right now. The chairman of the Federal Reserve testified in front of the Senate Banking Committee today. He says we may be headed towards a recession this year, and the only way we can avoid it is to put a trillion dollars on North Carolina to win the NCAA tournament." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I'm telling ya, Hillary is getting knocked around pretty good here lately. Every time she says something, people are jumping all over her. She compared herself to Rocky Balboa, Sylvester Stallone's 'Rocky.' She said, 'I'm just like Rocky.' ... I'm thinking, if Hillary is Rocky, then John McCain is the old cut man in the corner." --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. He reminds me of a guy who spends a lot of time in the yard with a hose." --David Letterman

"He's looking for a vice presidential running mate. ... He needs a guy who is conservative, understands the economy and knows how to operate a defibrillator." --David Letterman

"While campaigning in Pennsylvania yesterday, Barack Obama told an eight-year-old boy if he wants to be president, he should work hard in school, get good grades and find a job that helps people. To which President Bush said, 'That's an April Fool's joke, right?'" --Jay Leno

"It looks like Barack Obama has taken a ten-point lead over Hillary Clinton. You know they say, behind every successful man there's a woman. Unfortunately for Hillary, it's her." --Jay Leno

"Did you know Hillary Clinton is in the new Martin Scorsese documentary on the Rolling Stones? Turns out, she's a huge Rolling Stones fan. See, I think that's great. I mean, any time a politician can take time out from their busy day to help the elderly. ... She is working to get them all Rascal scooters." --Jay Leno

"John McCain said he's putting together a list of possible vice presidential candidates. In fact, yesterday, McCain said he had 20 names on his vice presidential list. And today, he had to cut it back to 18 when he found out Calvin Coolidge and Woodrow Wilson are already dead." --Jay Leno

"Actually, learning more and more about John and Cindy McCain. He's on this big biography tour, so you can learn about him. I guess his wife Cindy is worth over $100 million because the family made money selling Budwesier beer. Budweiser beer distributor, $100 million. So he has a wife 20 years younger than him, free beer, unlimited money -- I think I speak for all guys when I go, why is he running for president?" --Jay Leno

"Are you familiar with the Hillary Clinton 3 a.m. phone call commercials that she's been running during her campaign? The idea is, the phone rings at 3 am, oh my God, who do you want to be the president. Well, she's got another one of those. The phone rings and it's 3 am. Hillary answers the phone. She picks it up and she says, 'Stop bothering me, President Obama.'" --David Letterman

"John McCain, by God, has one of those 3 am phone calls. In this one, it's 3 am and he just gets up to go to the bathroom." --David Letterman

"John McCain has been campaigning all over the country this week. Yesterday, McCain gave a speech in Florida. He was in Florida. The Florida speech was at 2:30 in the afternoon 'cause McCain was the after-dinner speaker." --Conan O'Brien

"Hillary Clinton on Tuesday said she is not a quitter and compared herself to Rocky Balboa -- the washed-up, over-the-hill, white contender who despite a Herculean effort is soundly beaten by the charismatic black guy." --Seth Meyers

"In the wake of the expanding mortgage crisis, the Bush administration on Monday proposed the most far-reaching overhaul of the financial regulatory system since the Great Depression. On the downside, all banking transactions now begin with 'Pick a card.'" --Seth Meyers

"The Olympic Torch arrived in Beijing Monday, where it immediately suffered an asthma attack and died." --Amy Poehler

"No, there was a solemn march in Memphis. All the news media, of course, covered it. Bill O'Reilly was marveling at the fact the crowd was well-behaved and no one was shouting for more mother-f------ ice tea." --Bill Maher

"I feel for John McCain. He has a tough road to hoe now. He's trying to distance himself from George Bush. First off, by completing sentences with punctuation." --Bill Maher

"McCain came out this week with a list of 20 possible running mates. He would not reveal the names of all of them, but he said they all share certain traits, like knowing CPR. ... He said he wants someone who is ready take over on day two." --Bill Maher

""The ambassador to Iraq said today there has been an economic revival in Baghdad. Well, it's nice to see Bush's economic plan working out somewhere." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has not been using Secret Service protection. He's the only one. He's not using it. See, apparently, he has Life Alert." --Jay Leno

"Good news for Hillary Clinton. You know Hillary's ad where she says she's ready to answer the phone at 3 am? This is interesting. Today, she got a call from India and they said if this presidential thing doesn't work out, they have a job for her in tech support." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is in Europe right now. Today, he met with Romanian Prime Minister Popescu-Tariceanu. Or, as Bush calls him, Pop Tart." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain says he has 20 names on a list of possible vice presidential candidates. Unfortunately, most of the names on the list are characters on 'Matlock.'" --Conan O'Brien

Late Night From 04/07 Part 1

"Last week, John McCain visited his old school. In high school, he studied Latin. Did you know that? Well, he had to, that was the only language spoken." --Jay Leno

"John McCain is now crisscrossing the United States campaigning. Or, as they're calling it, Antiques Roadshow." --Jay Leno

"He's an honest guy. McCain said last week he doesn't understand the economy as well as he should. In fact, did you hear his plan to save energy? Clap-on, Clap-off." --Jay Leno

"According to a New York Times/CBS poll, 81% of Americans believe the country is on the wrong track. The other 19% admitted they're not really paying attention." --Jay Leno

"More bad news on the economic front. 80,000 people lost jobs last month. 80,000 people lost jobs. But, to be fair, most of those are politicians caught with hookers." --Jay Leno

"On Saturday, Barack Obama held several campaign rallies in Montana. Officials say that Barack's visit attracted large crowds and doubled the black population of Montana." --Conan O'Brien

"John McCain's the only presidential candidate who is not currently using Secret Service protection. So far, McCain's only protection is the life insurance he bought from Wilford Brimley." --Conan O'Brien

"According to a new poll that just came out -- this is hard to believe -- 81% of Americans think the country is on the wrong track. 81%. The other 19% own gas stations." --Conan O'Brien

"Another competition is heating up -- Indecision '08. As the three remaining candidates for president attempt to separate themselves from the pack, each day presents another opportunity. For example, to most people, last Friday was the anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. But to our intrepid candidates, the day was an assas-otunity. But who would win the day? The first rule of exploitation: location, location, location. Barack Obama gave his speech on that day in Indiana, where Robert Kennedy gave his famous speech the night of the assassination. It's impressive historically, but not so much proximity-wise. He only gets 10 points. Hillary Clinton was at the church King spoke in the night before. Strong, but John McCain -- bam, bullseye. 50 points. He gave his Martin Luther King Jr. speech beneath the balcony where King was shot [on screen: McCain speaking with a black man holding an umbrella over his head]. But, then again, how many points do you lose when you give the speech while a black guy is holding your umbrella?" --Jon Stewart

"Not smart, Senator McCain. And may I say, Senator McCain's entrance into the city of Memphis was no more impressive [on screen: McCain's Straight Talk Express bus covered in a Confederate flag]. And that bumper sticker, I mean, come on [on screen: bumper sticker reading 'My Kid Is An Honor Student At An All White Separate But Equal School']. I guess what I'm saying is, you're losing the minority vote." --Jon Stewart

"Slightly sad. Over the weekend, America lost one of it's greatest heroes, Charlton Heston. ... Charlton, or 'Chuckles' as he specifically asked me not to call him, was one of the last great Hollywood stars. He had it all -- perfect teeth, manly jaw, epic thighs. He was like Ronald Reagan, if Reagan had been an actor." --Stephen Colbert

"A lot of people whispering about John McCain's temper. Well, this is the latest. It's been reported that John McCain once got so angry at his wife during a public appearance that he called her the worst name you can call your wife. Yeah, that's right. He called her Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"In case you forgot, taxes are due next week. You know, we all hate paying taxes, but the truth of the matter is without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Did you see what's going on with the Olympic torch? A lot of protests. It arrived in San Francisco today on its way to China. The Chinese that were traveling with the torch were stunned by the number of protesters. They have never seen this many protesters alive." -Jay Leno

"And while Barack Obama was in North Dakota, he was greeted by what they are calling the largest crowd ever -- the largest crowd ever -- to see a political candidate in North Dakota. Over 17 people." -Jay Leno

"John McCain said this week he will release his medical records in May. He says he is only on three medications -- aspirin, Claritin and another pill they did not identify. Well, let's see, he's got a a wife that's 20 years younger, he's in his 70s." --Jay Leno

"Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice is now denying that she's interested in being John McCain's vice presidential nominee. She says she doesn't want the job. She believes McCain is a great leader, but she has no training as a registered nurse. So, consequently, she would not be able to assist in any way." --Jay Leno

"Republican Senator David Vitter, remember him? Remember the guy who admitted he was having sex with a prostitute? Remember, he thought that was all over? Well, he's back in the news again. It looks like he may be forced to testify in the case of the DC Madam. That's not good for your reputation, huh? You're testifying in a prostitution case as an expert witness. ... That's got to make for some interesting chit-chat with the wife over the breakfast table, huh? 'Oh, honey, good luck in court today with your little whores.'" --Jay Leno

"It's becoming a very controversial Olympics, and it's still months away. Here's the latest: Canada just announced it may boycott this year's Summer Olympics because of China's treatment of Tibet. Yeah, Canada may boycott. When asked about the boycott, Canada's prime minister said, 'I'm very angry at China. Plus, we suck at summer sports.'" --Conan O'Brien

"With every vote so crucial in this election year, the candidates are looking to celebrity endorsements to raise their cool factor. Oprah backs Barack Obama. Jack Nicholson endorsed Hillary Clinton. But now John McCain has picked up the biggest name of all -- my mentor, Wilford Brimley. According to a recent article in GQ magazine, when Wilford called McCain headquarters, quote, an operative got off the phone and grandly announced to the room, 'We've got Brimley!' And you know the old saying, as goes Brimley, so goes brown sugar and cinnamon" --Stephen Colbert

"Politics is getting more and more interesting now. According to the insiders, Condoleezza Rice has been actively lobbying to be John McCain's vice presidential candidate. That would be interesting, don't you think? Condoleezza Rice, John McCain. Kind of like ebony and ornery." --Jay Leno

"A lot of Democrats are asking President Bush to boycott the opening ceremonies to the upcoming Summer Olympics. Well, good luck with that. Boycott it? With the flags, the parades, the balloons? That's Bush's favorite part." --Jay Leno

"Got a lot of protests with the Olympics torch coming through California. See it on the news today? Man, you know, I can't believe this state even allowed the torch in here. Not because of Tibet. I mean, the guy running through the state with a giant torch at the beginning of brushfire season. How smart is that?" --Jay Leno

"In a nationwide survey just released today, high school seniors, on the average, answered correctly only 48% of the questions about personal finance and economics. Only 48%. But that's still 10% better than Bush's economic team." --Jay Leno

"A new TV commercial for Hillary Clinton says she has, quote, a spine of steel. A spine of steel. When he heard this, John McCain said, 'Oh yeah, well, I've got a titanium hip'" --Conan O'Brien

"There's one more, a piece in favor of John McCain called 'Vote For My Son' written by his father, Abraham Lincoln. You see, because he's very, very old." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Not to be outdone, Ralph Nader made a very special surprise appearance on 'The Biggest Loser.'" --Jay Leno

"Here's something interesting I learned. Did you know, John McCain does not use the Secret Service protection? ... Yeah, yeah. He hasn't been using them. He has his own team. In fact, you know what you call those six guys that surround John McCain all the time? Pallbearers." --Jay Leno

"All the candidates where there, and while the media was focusing on them and them asking the questions, Senator Mel Martinez of Florida said to Senator John Thune of South Dakota, 'We could be naked juggling, and no one would notice,' that's what was said. 'We could be naked, and nobody would notice.' And Senator Larry Craig said, 'I would.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night, at Madison Square Garden, Elton John held a big fund raiser for Hillary Clinton's campaign. He raised 2.5 million dollars. At his concert, Elton John lashed out and he attacked the misogynist anti-women feelings many Americans have. And then he played his hit song, 'The Bitch is Back.'" --Jay Leno

"The number two man in Al Qaeda in iraq, terrorist mastermind Abu al-Masri, is dead. He is dead. He reportedly died of natural causes. Died of natural causes. That's when you know the war has been going on a long time. Okay? When your enemies just start dying of natural causes!" --Jay Leno

"Of course, a lot of controversy right now about China. During a speech, President Bush urged Chinese leaders to talk to the Dalai Lama and called him a really fine man. Cool. Yeah. Bush said, "I used to be reluctant to meet with him. Then I found out he's not a real llama. That was weird." --Conan O'Brien

"This week in San Diego, a group of openly gay Republicans are holding their national convention. Openly gay republicans. Yeah. The gay convention is just like the regular convention, except instead of superdelegates, they have super fabulous delegates." --Conan O'Brien

"The ladies of 'The View' had a big guest today. The Republican nominee for president, John McCain, sat down to chat. One interesting thing McCain said was, that unlike President Bush, who says he's going, if he were president, he would boycott the Olympic ceremonies this summer in China. Not because of China's human rights record, though, [but] because the ceremony starts at 8:00 and he goes to bed at 6:45. Because he's very old." --Jimmy Kimmel

"I just want to quickly say how inspired I was by General Petraeus's testimony this week. If I got this right, my understanding of what he said to Congress is that the war is going well enough that there is no need to end it. And, just as importantly, it's not going well enough that there is any possibility of ever ending it. It's like the old gambling rule, you do not leave the table when you're winning. Or when you're losing. Let it ride. Anyway, it's official, the troops will be in Iraq until Bush leaves office. And that is not passing the buck to the next president. That is ridiculous. With the current state of the dollar, it's more like passing 85 cents, tops." --Stephen Colbert

"The death Saturday of actor Charlton Heston has elicited tributes from many corners, including Nancy Reagan, who called him an American hero, President Bush who described him as an advocate for liberty, and apes, who called him Public Enemy Number One." --Seth Meyers

"A former Pentagon official said this week that before the start of the war in Iraq, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld gave the Bush administration a list of horribles, things he believed could go wrong, which the Bush administration apparently mistook for a to-do list." --Amy Poehler

"According to a new poll, Barack Obama has a 24-point lead over Hillary Clinton in North Carolina. Obama is doing particularly well with one important demographic: voters." --Amy Poehler

"Arnold Schwarzenegger is in the news, which always makes me happy. That's right. This week, California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is going to be speaking at a convention of gay Republicans. ... Yeah, Arnold could get in trouble because he plans to start his speech by saying, 'Hello, girly men.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to his tax return last year, Vice President Cheney donated $166,000 to charity. ... Yeah, most of the money went to Cheney's favorite holiday charity, Coal for Tots." --Conan O'Brien

"Hey, we're going to begin tonight with the most important question of the day, and that is, is there a naked woman living in Dick Cheney's sunglasses? That's the question that has been all over both of the internets today. Here's the picture in question [on screen: Kimmel shows picture of Cheney's sunglasses]. You see the reflection of what looks like a nude lady. Which would also explain why he's smiling, which he doesn't usually do, unless he's invading something. But the White House said it's his hand on the fishing rod. I love that they even have to comment on this. ... Also today, another shocking photo on the internet, this one of former president Bill Clinton. If you look closely, you see there are no naked ladies reflected in his sunglasses. His spokesman had no reasonable explanation for it." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Between gasoline prices and the mortgage foreclosures, people are hurting. And you know who finally noticed this? John McCain. He changed his position on people losing their homes, from his original, 'Drop Dead,' to a new policy called 'Go F*ck Yourself Plus.'" --Bill Maher

"You know they had hearings this week, about Iraq, ... with General Petraeus, and John McCain had another senior moment, where he couldn't remember who the Sunnis are, the Shiites. I'm beginning to worry about this guy. They asked him afterwards if this would affect his presidential campaign, and he said, 'I'm running for President?'" --Bill Maher

"A new report from the Associated Press, says that the senior Bush administration officials met regularly in the White House to discuss and approve specific torture techniques. All the heavy hitters were there. Condoleezza Rice and Colin Powell, and Ashcroft and Tenet. Everybody except Bush himself, they left him with a sitter." --Bill Maher

"Yeah, a lot of people want Bush to boycott the Olympics. ... Seems to me that's very backwards. If you're trying to piss off the Chinese, don't you want to send President Bush over to China. 'Hey, squinty! When do I get to see the ninjas?' They'll be like, 'Oh, f*ck it, Tibet is free, just get this moron away from me.'" --Bill Maher

"Hillary Clinton was shown at a bar in Indiana drinking a beer, and doing a shot of whiskey. Hey, and it worked. Today, Ted Kennedy switched back. 'I'm for Hillary now!'" --Jay Leno

"General David Petraeus was grilled by the presidential candidates and other congressional leaders on Capitol Hill for two days last week. He said he couldn't wait to get back to Iraq, where the government is much more friendly and compassionate." --Jay Leno

"The Pope will be here tomorrow. You know who's picking him up at the airport? President Bush. This is true. It's the first time the President has ever picked up a visiting leader at the airport. See, that's when you know your presidency is winding down, when you're picking up people at the airport. And they expect tens of thousands of well-wishers to show up. Tens for Bush and thousands for the Pope." --Jay Leno

"Are you excited about the pope? He is rich, he is powerful, and guess what, girls, he's single. He is going to be in New York a couple of days and he is very busy. He will be at Yankee Stadium, saying Mass at the Yankee Stadium. That will be emotional. That will be his last Mass at the old stadium. That'll be on Sunday. Then on Monday he'll be performing in an exorcism at 'The View.' So he will have his work cut out for him there." --David Letterman

"You know, I hear what you're all saying, but doesn't elite mean good? Is that not something we're looking for in a president anymore? You know what, candidates? Come with me. I know elite is a bad word in politics. You want to go bowling and throw back a few beers. But the job you're applying for, if you get it and it goes well, they might carve your head into a mountain. If you don't actually think you're better than us, then what the f*ck are you doing?" --Jon Stewart

"President Bush actually met the pope at the airport. He picked him up. That wasn't easy, you know, they don't let you stop at the curb anymore. So, Bush had to keep circling. Bush is driving by, [and] the pope is trying to flag him down." --Jay Leno

"It was a huge, huge, big deal. Although I don't think President Bush is too familiar with the Catholic religion. There was one awkward moment when President Bush kept looking behind the pope going, 'So, where's Mrs. Pope?'" --Jay Leno

"President Bush also told the pope that he has prayed every single day since he became president. Hey, since Bush became president, we've all prayed every single day." --Jay Leno

"This seemed odd to me. For the pope's arrival ceremony at the White House tomorrow, they're going to give him a 21-gun salute. Now, really, isn't there a better welcome for the Apostle of Peace than a show of firearms? I mean, whose idea was that? Dick Cheney's?" --Jay Leno

"We also want to wish Pope Benedict a happy birthday. Tomorrow, he'll be 81 years old. The pontiff, 81 years old. Do you realize in a couple more years, he could be the next Republican nominee?" --Jay Leno

"The president picked up the pope at the airport. How bored is our president? He's not the president anymore. Now he's like your college stoner roommate, doing favors for pizza. Next week I think he's helping Putin move." --Jon Stewart

"Obviously picking up the pope at the airport is, I don't want to make fun. It's an important job. Been a very long flight. I'm sure the pope is probably a little tired. He gets off the plane. There's a lot of people there. You're gonna want to make sure you have proper signage when you get him [on screen: A photo of Bush at the airport, with a sign saying "POPE"]." --Jon Stewart

"The White House held a big dinner tonight honoring the pope, but the pope chose not to attend. He didn't attend the dinner. I think President Bush was a little hurt. In fact, he said today, 'You know, after the trouble we went through to prepare a kosher meal." --Jay Leno

"Actually, one really embarrassing moment, you see this on the news? When the pope blessed the crowd with holy water? Well, some of it splashed on Dick Cheney, burned his skin." --Jay Leno

"Now, you may have seen this earlier on the news. Did you hear what President Bush said to the pope after his speech today? This is an exact quote. I'm not changing it. He said, 'Awesome speech, your Holiness.' That's what he said to the pope. See, he didn't want to say 'dude,' because it was a formal affair." --Jay Leno

"Did you see the pope's plane land yesterday? I think it's called, was it 'Shepherd One'? Is that the name of the pope's plane? 'Shepherd One'? And he's also German, isn't he? ... So that would make it 'German Shepherd One.'" --Jay Leno

"And, of course, Hillary Clinton continuing to attack Barack Obama. Hillary says Barack is an elitist who thinks he's smarter than most people. Is that a bad thing? Wouldn't it be nice for a change to have a president that's actually smarter than most people? Shouldn't that be one of the qualifications for the job? That you're actually smarter than most people?" --Jay Leno

"And today, John McCain said he disagrees with President Bush on the issue of climate change. And believe me, McCain knows what he's talking about on this subject. Of all the presidential candidates, he is the only one who's actually lived through an ice age." --Jay Leno

"Actually, I think President Bush starting to change his opinion on global warming. Today, he announced an initiative to combat global warming. Again, I don't think he really understands the issue. He says his first act would be to order the Department of Energy to start drilling for solar power." --Jay Leno

Late Night From 04/16 Part 2

"According to a survey by the History Network, 98% of professional historians believe that George W. Bush's presidency has been a failure. The other 2% believe it was a total disaster. So, you could go either way." --Jay Leno

"And coincidentally, today is the pope's 81st birthday. Isn't that remarkable? 81st birthday, yeah. President Bush greeted the pope, and he knew it was his birthday, so he gave him a gift card to Big and Tall Hats." --David Letterman

"And at the White House, this was great. The pope was greeted by a 21-gun salute, 22 if you count Cheney. Ka-boom!" --David Letterman

"Even though it was his party, the pope did have to make a speech in which he praised America's freedom of religion and afterwards, President Bush showed why he is, and always will be, the funniest president in history [on screen: Pres. Bush telling the pope he gave an 'awesome speech']. Well, if you missed it, what he said there, he said, 'Thanks your Holiness, awesome speech.' Thanks your holiness, awesome speech. Now, I'm surprised he didn't give him a high-five. When did the president actually become Will Ferrell's impression of him from 'Saturday Night Live'?" --Jimmy Kimmel

"Pope Benedict is in America! Wooo! He hath done it! [on screen: photo of Pres. Bush and Pope Benedict]. Here he is being greeted by President Bush, the leaders of the two most powerful theocracies in the world. I personally have trouble telling them apart. They're both infallible. They both did some things when they were younger that they wish people would forget. One was a cheerleader, the other Nazi youth. It's a fine line." --Stephen Colbert

"How many watched the debate last night? [on screen: Light cheers and a few boos]. How many watched 'American Idol?' [on screen: Loud cheers and applause]. You get the government you deserve." --Jay Leno

"On 'Hardball' the other day, a student asked John McCain to do shots with him after the debate, and all of the candidates have their favorite drinks now. For example, John McCain, he prefers Old Granddad. He likes that. Barack Obama, he likes the elitist Manhattan with extra bitters. And, of course, Hillary likes a a shot of Old Crow, straight up." --Jay Leno

"And President Bush announced his plan this week to limit greenhouse gases. He said he will ban all greenhouses. See, I don't think he understands exactly what's going on." --Jay Leno

"And yesterday, of course, was Pope Benedict's birthday. Happy birthday to him. They had a little party for him at the White House. You may have seen that. As you know, the pope does not drink, he does not do drugs, and he's taken a vow of celibacy. So it's pretty safe to say no congressmen showed up for that party." --Jay Leno

"In fact, you know, I think President Bush got a a little bit confused yesterday, when he heard it was the pope's birthday. You know, like, he said, 'His birthday? Where are we gonna get a Christmas tree this time of the year?' I don't think he understands the Catholic religion. It's a little different." --Jay Leno

"And at the party yesterday, Pope Benedict spoke out against evil, and then Dick Cheney gave the rebuttal." --Jay Leno

"These international trips are tricky. And often there can be some confusion and perhaps some embarrassment. They had an episode today in Washington, everybody is laughing about it now. But at the time, it was not funny. The pope, after the mass, accidentally gave the last rites to John McCain." --David Letterman

"And then, you know what they did? The pope, God bless him, has the popemobile. He said the mass and he takes off in the popemobile, and then President Bush followed him in the dopemobile." --David Letterman

"Last night, Senators Clinton and Obama debated. Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos have been getting grief for rehashing the old issues. They're all old issues. You know, what are you going to debate? Dentistry? Meanwhile, over on the Republican side, I guess John McCain has been feeling a little left out because tonight, he organized a debate against himself." --Jimmy Kimmel

"This was quite a debate. They touched on all the important issues that are facing Americans today. Bitterness. Flag pins. Retired preachers. Sixties radicals. Imaginary Bosnian snipers. Cookies. It was really quite a debate. I don't want to say Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos were awful, but today the FCC fined ABC for allowing boobs on the air." --Bill Maher

"You know that since George Bush has become president, gas has basically tripled in price. Now, Bush is an oil man. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, I'm just saying that if we had elected Colonel Sanders president, and the price of chicken had tripled, I'd be a little suspicious." --Bill Maher

"But wait a second, because there is one man who has a solution. John McCain ... presented his proposal. He says that over the summer we should have a 'Gas Tax Holiday.' For summer drivers, the 18 cent a gallon federal gas tax, he wants that lifted over the summer. Or as it used to be called, 'Grandpa is giving you $5.'" --Bill Maher

"And not to be outdone on this subject, George Bush made a speech this week on global warming. The good news? He finally admits it's real. The bad news? He wants to invade the sun." --Bill Maher

"And this is interesting. Congressman Jack Murtha said that John McCain is too old to be president. To which McCain said, 'Hehhh?'" --Jay Leno

"A new ABC poll says 58% of Americans don't think Hillary is honest or trustworthy. 58%? You know what you call a politician with numbers like that? President Bush." --Jay Leno

"And you know, the pope is in town. That's kind of exciting. Do you know this is the first papal visit to the White House in 29 years? Once again, I don't think President Bush is familiar with Catholic terminology. Like he said, 'What do you mean the first papal visit? We have people in and out of here all the time. I mean, every day, people go in and out.'" --Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton now, over the weekend says that she is pro-gun, likes guns, and lovers to hunt ducks. Vice President Dick Cheney said 'Ooh stop, you're making me hot.'" --David Letterman

"This is weird. I'm not making this up. ... Earlier tonight, President Bush made a special taped appearance on the game show 'Deal or No Deal.' President Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Afterwards, Bush said, 'I like this show, because randomly pointing at boxes is how I make decisions, too.'" --Conan O'Brien

"Do you like John McCain? John McCain looks like the kind of guy that doesn't pick the phone up until the 12th ring. You know what I mean? He looks like the kind of guy who has a cupboard full of canned peaches. John McCain looks like the kind of guy who thinks the cleaning woman will love any crap he's tossing out" --David Letterman (Read more of Letterman's jabs at Old Man McCain)

"Now here's something interesting. You know the Howie Mandel blockbuster quiz show, the game show 'Deal or No Deal?' Earlier tonight, appearing on 'Deal or No Deal,' President Bush. Meanwhile, over at ABC's 'Dancing with the Stars,' Dick Cheney collapsed.

"But it's true, Bush was on 'Deal or No Deal.' Apparently he didn't feel he was ready for 'Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?'" --David Letterman

"According to some of the political blogs, Democratic operatives have been looking for dirt on John McCain since February. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on John McCain? An archaeologist." --Jay Leno

"In an interview, First Lady Laura Bush, who used to be a librarian, ... says she cannot fall asleep without reading. ... As opposed to her husband, who can't read without falling asleep." --Jay Leno

"Speaking of reading, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is now working on a book about his strategy for the war in Iraq. It will be a while before it goes to the publisher because cause he just doesn't know how to end it." --Jay Leno

"And this is great. She's been trying to convince the voters in Pennsylvania that she is pro-gun. I was thinking about this. Come on. If she was really pro-gun, Bill would be dead." --David Letterman

"Political experts say that Barack Obama is attracting mostly younger voters, while Hillary Clinton is attracting much older voters. They may be right, because today John McCain said he's voting for Hillary." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush now has the highest disapproval rating of any president in the history of disapproval ratings, or approval ratings. 70% Of Americans disapprove of the job he's doing. That's even worse than Nixon, right, before he left office? So way to go, Mr. President. It goes to show you with hard work and determination, you can accomplish anything." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, working on a new book about his strategy for the war in Iraq. The book just came out, we have a first copy here. It's called, 'Don't Blame Me. It was Cheney's Idea.'" --Jay Leno

"Also in Washington this week, President Bush named a new HUD chief. Bush says he wants to reverse the direction of HUD. Now, if you reverse HUD, you get 'duh.'" --Jay Leno

"John McCain, no one talks about John McCain anymore because he won his side of the thing, and now he's just wandering around. He's just wandering around, nobody's talking about him. So he's trying to do things to get press, this week John McCain is on a tour of what he calls 'Forgotten Places in America.' Forgotten places, yeah. Which, at his age, means just about everywhere." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, earlier this week, all three presidential candidates made appearances on the WWE's "Monday Night Raw." How many think having candidates for president appear on a wrestling show cheapens the political process? How many think the wrestling show was cheapened by having the candidates on?" --Jay Leno

"And Monday night, President Bush made a surprise appearance on the TV show 'Deal or No Deal.' Yesterday morning, first lady Laura Bush was a guest host on the 'Today' show. I understand tomorrow, Vice President Dick Cheney is set to play his own evil twin on 'Days of Our Lives.'" --Jay Leno

"And John McCain is now beginning a campaign to try and attract African-American voters. Now, McCain says that although he never marched with Martin Luther King, he did march with General Sherman through the South during the Civil War. So that's got to count for something." --Jay Len

"How 'bout that John McCain, you like John McCain? I like John McCain. He looks like a guy who goes grocery shopping and yells at the bagboy, 'Put the eggs on top. Hey, hey junior, put the eggs on top.' He looks like a guy who still calls the TV the 'Idiot Box.' ... He looks like a guy you take shopping and have to yell into the changing room, 'Everything alright in there, pop?'" --David Letterman

"It's been reported that President Bush was so impressed with Pope Benedict's recent visit, that after he leaves office Bush may convert to Catholicism. Bush said, 'I'd convert right now, but Dick Cheney freaks out if you get near him with a cross'" --Conan O'Brien

"This campaign is very tough on the Democrats because they have to fight it out even longer. McCain, see, the only thing he has to fight is regularity." --Jay Leno

"President Bush announced the rebate checks for at least $600. ... I'm going to use my check to buy enough gas to drive to the bank and cash it. And then maybe back. The rebates were pushed through by the president to help get the economy going. It's kind of like when the mom of the kid nobody likes bakes everyone cupcakes so you can pretend to like him until the cupcakes are gone, and then you go back to giving him wedgies." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Tomorrow I go to Washington D.C. to perform at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It's thrown by the press corps for the president and his staff. Everyone who works for the president will be there. Dick Cheney will be there; Condoleezza Rice will be there; Fox News will be there." --Craig Ferguson

"I don't want to sit next to John McCain. I don't want to be the one who has to cut his meat into little pieces." --Craig Ferguson

"Well, experts say the big test for Barack Obama will be surviving the negative attacks. The big test for Hillary Clinton, of course, is surviving North Carolina. The big test for John McCain is just surviving until November." --Jay Leno

"John McCain has spent this week campaigning in what he calls the 'forgotten areas' of the country. He is visiting places that are being ignored by our leaders, places like Pennsylvania now, now that the primary is over. See, unfortunately, at McCain's age, as soon as he leaves these forgotten areas, he forgot he was there." --Jay Leno

"You folks excited about the big presidential campaign, the big shoot-out with the Democrats? Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama. Here's a big endorsement. Barack Obama has been endorsed by Bruce Springsteen. Yup. I'm not done. Earlier today, John McCain was endorsed by Yanni." --David Letterman

"I like John McCain. Do you like John McCain? He looks like the guy that forgets to roll up his windows at the car wash. ... He looks like the guy who yells 'Okay, who touched the darkness control on the toaster?'" --David Letterman

"Big day at the White House today. I've got to mention this. Today, at the White House, President Bush was busy. President Bush signed a proclamation declaring this Malaria Awareness Week. There was an awkward moment when, during the ceremony, Bush said, 'This is a great day for all Malarians.'" --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says that the $300 rebate we've been promised, the rebate checks from the government, will finally be mailed out on Monday. It's nice. Good news, yeah. Then Americans can decide whether to save the $300 or use it to buy half a tank of gas. You're right, that was more sad than funny. Ha ha ha. We're screwed" --Conan O'Brien

"And his daughter, you know, is getting married, Jenna Bush. She was on Larry King talking about it. Kind of a big brouhaha with the Republicans going on here, because she said she wasn't sure that she was going to support McCain. She said she's 'open to learning' about the other candidates.' Because they haven't been on TV a lot. But come on, this is kind of a treason in the Bush family. Not supporting a Democrat -- being open to learning. That's outrageous." --Bill Maher

"I looked at a poll, which was really interesting. Only 27% of Democrats say global warming is a top priority, which I think is shameful. But 12% of Republicans think global warming [is a top priority]. Now there's the difference between the parties: one is lame, and one is super-lame." --Bill Maher

"John McCain is trying to get attention. People aren't really paying attention to him as much. But he's doing his best. He's out there. His slogan is 'Yes, I'm here.' Someone please pay attention to me." --Conan O'Brien

"Today, John McCain campaigned across the state of Florida. He's in Florida. Yeah, McCain likes campaigning in Florida because everyone there calls him 'the Kid.' ... His charming youthfulness amuses them." --Conan O'Brien

"Kind of a strange thing happened this weekend at a big event in Washington, DC. President Bush, I guess he got excited, so he picked up a baton and he started conducting the U.S. Marine Band. Yeah, unfortunately, the president got upset because the band didn't know the song, 'The Wheels on the Bus.' They go 'round and 'round, apparently." --Conan O'Brien

"If you're following the campaign, you know John McCain is currently on his tour of forgotten places. He's touring what he calls forgotten places. Of course, when you're 71, the room you just walked into is a forgotten place, isn't it? 'Why did I come in here again? I was just here.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed, since oil prices went up, Dick Cheney hasn't had one heart attack?" --Jay Leno

"The Bush administration wants our nation's 80 million recreational boaters to help fight terrorism by watching out for small boats that could deliver a nuclear bomb. Well, that should work out well, huh? You got a bunch of beer-drinking fishermen in bass boats with rifles. What could go wrong there?" --Jay Leno

"Of course, the Republicans will not let this Reverend Wright controversy die. You know, they're trying to keep it in the news. Like, today they said for the wedding of President Bush's daughter, he's gonna be the minister." --Jay Leno

"Today, President Bush gave a news conference about the economy, but he stubbornly refused to say the word 'recession.' He would not say the word 'recession.' Instead, President Bush said our country is headed towards something with three syllables that rhymes with refression." --Conan O'Brien

"How about that John McCain? John McCain is the guy, don't you think? I like John McCain. He looks like the kind of guy that walks into Circuit City and says, 'Do you have typewriter ribbons?'" --David Letterman

"Back during his 2000 run, when McCain once displaced his feather, there was a momentary panic in the campaign until his wife found it in one of his suits. At least he told her it was his lucky feather. He could have just been seeing some other tall blonde [on screen: photo of Cindy McCain next to Big Bird]. In addition, he won't take a salt shaker from a passer's hand. Also won't throw a hat on a bed. A lot of people don't know about that superstition, but it's an old saying from McCain's childhood: Throw a hat on the bed, woolly mammoth make you dead." --Stephen Colbert

"There are nine months left in office for President Bush, and he's keeping very busy. Today, he held a press conference to talk about the economy. It was a solid press conference for the president, he pronounced the word stimulus correctly almost every single time. He wouldn't come out and say there was a recession, but he did come out and say that he really doesn't care that much anymore." --Jimmy Kimmel

"The president was also at the White House Correspondents Dinner this weekend. He did a little comedy routine there, too. And, he grabbed the baton and conducted the Marine Corps band [on screen: video of Bush conducting the band]. The man leading that band is also leading this country. And I think he did a better job with the band." --Jimmy Kimmel